Young and Anal 13
Directed by Jim Powers/Jeff Steward
JM Productions

Man, after suffering a full frontal blast of the ever apocalyptic nightly news, it is good to retire to the dark chambers of my office, settle into my Corinthian leather swivel, and watch a buncha dumb teenage girls get poked in the ass. I mean, fuck Iraq- that one, we might lose. But the anal wars? We will win those, most certainly. Those crazy fuckers might have the car bombs and the Jihad stuff down to a mad science, but nobody ruins good 19 year old sphincter like us filthy Americans.

Case in point, our good fiends at JM, who bestow a special “all 18” episode of their stellar “Young and Anal” series on us in this, their 13th volume. Tonight, 13 is definitely our lucky number.

You know the drill (ahem) with this series- find ‘em, let ‘em sing and dance and squirm a little, and then get them right were you want them- twisting on the devil’s fork, ass-first. You already know yr getting what you paid for, but it’s the steady build up to the chocolate surprise that makes Young and Anal so friggin’ special.

In the first scene, pretty little Baka Girl (I don’t know what that means- I stole it from Shonen Knife- but let’s just figure it means foxy Asian chick with an impossibly compact little figure) Jade Marcela is caterwauling away at a Karaoke bar with her pervert boyfriend, who tries to convince her to use his dick for a microphone. Any guy who’s ever been stuck in the wretchedly boring hell that is a Karoake bar has tried this at some point, and it never fuckin’ works, but here- well, it’s the perfect prescription here. I dunno how she’s supposed to sing with an 8 inch microphone buried in her ass, but they manage to make some beautiful music together anyway.

Than Amia Amore gets revenge on her cheating boyfriend by cheating on her boyfriend. “Ooh, you’re gonna be an 18 year old buttslut, honey. That’ll get him back real good.” I gotta remember that one. Solid ass-action in this one.

“Why don’t we see what it says, shouldn’t we?” With the syntax of a Bulgarian immigrant at the DMV, Taia Tyler reads phony advice letters and pokes a thumb at herself whenever her name is mentioned, in much the way some over-emoting scamp might do in a third grade production of Annie. Ok, she’s a cute as she can possibly be- and the schoolgirl outfit certainly helps- but man, will you be happy when a big black stud walks into the room and finally shuts that yap by stuffing it fulla summer sausage. When it’s not in her mouth, however, she goes back to the “ok, boys and girls, the next thing we’re going to learn about” bit, and you just can’t wait until Mr Hammer finally bags her in the ass to shut her up again- and when he does jam that monster into that tiny white hole, she doesn’t say a thing ‘cept for “Ugh! Oof! Arg!” Yeah, that’s better.

In the final scene, fussy, just-arrived-from-South of the border chica Maran takes some English lessons from Don Fernando and Kyle Stone, but it looks more like they’re teaching her Greek to me. Best line (and not just in this movie, either- maybe the best line ever, period): “I see what you mean- your step-daughter does have a nice tight asshole.” How do you top that? Ya can’t. Roll the credits.

Hey, it’s young, it’s anal…what more could you possibly want?

-Sleazegrinder