As I approach the abyss of middleage I find myself asking of myself the usual questions: What have I accomplished? have I been a positive presence in the lives of those I love? Do I have the courage of my convictions?... And so forth. And I must say that I score myself highly in all areas except for one:
The manic delight I take in seeing young women humiliated, degraded and otherwise ruining their lives in pornography. Not only does this break the pattern of my human excellence, it comes disasterously close to negating all that is good and decent in me. I cannot help it though, and I cannot deny it. The elation I feel at watching a girl violently gagging on dicks in front of a camera (and contemplation of the misery it will precipitate in her life) is operatic in intensity. It is far better than alcohol, oxycontin, marijuana, heroin, cocaine, or any other substance I have ever abused. I love it. I cannot get enough of it. And I am rotting within.