Had Kettle One and Club Soda with lime last night, popped a Molly and hit the town. Made it into my favorite dive bar where everyone was all dressed up for a best costume contest except for me. One girl had her hair in pigtails and was kind of dressed like that singing bitch on the hill from the old "Sound of Music" movie. I asked one of my friends what kind of costume that was. Like, is she Germany?? The girl next to me called me an idiot and said she clearly looked Swiss. Apparently I asked my question kind of loudly, because when it was her time to go up and be judged she said, "Hi. My name is Lindsay.... And I'm GERMANY!" This earned me a round of cheers and high fives.

The guy next to me had on a Scooby Dooby dog outfit which reminded me of this one time back in college when my friend tried to get me to go out for Halloween even though I didn't have a costume. He was like, "You can just put on a brown suit and say you're Scooby." He has a doctorate degree in microbiology now and teaches at a university.

Seeing people all dressed up in costumes sometime makes me feel dumb because I usually can't figure out what they are. I asked this slutty looking girl next to me if she was a gypsy and she was like, "No dummy, I'm a genie." I was like, what's the fucking difference? And then I asked if the girl across the bar was a gypsy or a genie and she turned out to be a fortune teller. Again, what is the fucking difference? Some Indian guy dressed up as a drunk Indian and I think I pissed some people off by saying he should have worn a Redskin's jersy.

A chubby chick came over to hit on me and we chatted for a bit about how we're much better people now than we used to be when we were younger and how we're really trying to just be nicer to others and act well now. She was telling me that I reminded her of this comedian from Comedy Central. "It's Dave something. Dave Chapelle, I think?" I told her I'm pretty sure that he's a negro. Keep in mind I'm a 6'6" fairly fit white guy with a shaved head and a skullcap hat on at the time. So then she was like, "Oh no, I meant Dave Attell!" I was kind of insulted and blurted out, "I'm not a short, little Jew!" Her jaw dropped and the conversation ended and she wandered off to talk about what I had said like I'm worse than Hitler or something. Like I said, the bitch was fat anyways. And I guess the term "negro" is now kosher but "Jew" somehow is not.

We left that spot and hit another one to meet up with some girls we know. One of them is a bit of a trollop and my friend that I was with had already hooked up with her but she wanted to hang on me and kiss me all night. Actually we kind of passed her back and forth because we were both drunk and high. I proceeded to pay her the worst compliment ever. She's lost weight and has been working out and after feeling her up I told her, "Baby, your calf's as firm as a frozen beef tenderloin." She wants to have dinner and go to a movie now, but I don't think so. We must have all looked like we were about to have an orgy because the bartenders tossed batches of condoms at us at closing time.

My body now feels polluted and I need some downtime.