A vacuum can do only so much. There are calcified deposits that go back nearly a decade. Before Bree Olson walked on Charlie Sheen's carpet, she walked on this one. Before Brianna Love brought life into the world, she gave birth to a legacy of hope that still inspires and uplifts me...well, parts of me.

Cynics will say, "Hey, Iron! Isn't that the same tired blanket? Same throw pillows? Are they included, too? The answers: Yes, yes, no. Like in The Big Leblowski, this carpet ties the room together. Yes, there is some urine on it, too, but that's to be expected due to hiring some legends of the "squirting" genre of the mid-00s.

A potpourri of cheap 99 cent store perfume, sweat, piss, and desperation will waft to the new owner's nose. Mother's Day is coming up soon, too! Think of how many former guests are now bouncing little bundles of joy on their laps instead of their tongues. Celebrate the miracle of life with this carpet, friends.