The re-release of BAKER'S DOZEN #2 through JM Productions is on like Donkey Kong. I have no idea what that means but I realize I just dated myself. I’m old…uncool….a slave to my nutsack aging like David Lee Roth. In other words, not well. It’s 2010, not 1984 and I’m too scared I might break something if I follow Van Halen's advice to Jump. I’ll sit, thank you very much.

Have I lost anyone yet? You see, back in the 1980s, there was a band called Van Halen and….oh, fuck it. My life is half over and I need to start saving for retirement now. As in….today. I should at least open a bank account or something. Listen, all you Medal of Honor or World of Warcraft players. Those are just modern day Donkey Kongs, get it? You, too, will one day become like me, wondering where the last two decades of your life went and swearing that you’ll never be lonely to the point that you would actually buy a love doll. Those are for weirdos. You are clearly not….yet. But the new ones have skin that feels like real skin, you say. Well, you have a point there. I’ll give you that.

Look, I can’t promise you anything. I can’t make you cool. I can’t help you find your purpose in life. I can’t tell you to follow your heart, do what you truly enjoy, and the money will follow. It won’t. You are doomed to a life of low-paying jobs with no benefits and will not exceed the standard of living of your parents. That's the fact, Jack! Stripes….Bill Murray…1981…?? No…?? Nothing?? Oh, fuck me! Just watch the damn clip on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mfxcq77FkdE and don’t forget to look for John Candy.

Would it kill you to own a piece of retro kitsch like a dvd copy of BAKER'S DOZEN #2? No! It’s like bands who release their music on vinyl. So do yourself a solid and go to http://www.jerkoffzone.com/jmcatalog/studio.php?sid=8 .


P.S. On a personal note: To whomever purchased Platinum X: I hope you were informed about the court settlement. The one from a few months ago that has not been honored by Platinum X, fucking me out of thousands of dollars. That’s some good karma, right there, friends. What comes around, goes around.

P.S.S. Perhaps I was too harsh on Diamond Dave. You be the judge. He will always be a rock icon.