It was a beautiful night here, I rode to the meeting. There were 14 of us, including my sponsor's first sponsor, Lou O. Our treasurer announced that we have sent off donations to the local Central Office, SW Ohio General Service Area 56, and the General Service Office in New York.

Step One - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I love step one meetings. We seemed to talk a lot about the need to hit a bottom, how we struggled with wanting to want to. Two of the members had hit a physical bottom. Since we are all experienced AAs, in hindsight it is funny how far down we went, still thinking we could handle the problem ourselves. That was the hard thing to understand - that we had to have help to battle alcoholism. The other thing that was hard for many of us we the idea of total abstinence.

Somewhere, each of us had a turning point. We were at a bottom, and had the moment of clarity that led us to understand that we needed help from something larger than ourselves. That is the importance of the first word in this step, "We". Each of us had to accept that collectively, as a part of this "we" we call AA, we can do what we were unable to do alone. But we have to pay the dues to convince ourselves that we can't beat it alone.

For me, a better understanding of the nature of alcoholism was the last straw. I realized I would never get better, only worse. My life sucked, and it would only get worse if I continued drinking. And I had seen enough of AA to know there was a decent alternative.

I did not start with the intention of staying sober for 18 years, of course. One day at a time is the concept that helps us accept this drastic proposal, the idea that a drunk would not drink at all today. I could live this drastic approach day to day.

It is certainly different for different people. I think we reach a point where we are unwilling to go down further, when an alternative is at hand. Unfortunately, this is not above ground for some people. They continue, like my lover Tonya, to drink until they drink themselves to death. For others, mixing in drugs leads to a place they cannot go. Some of us have had to go to prison, or become mentally ill, to hit bottom. I also joke that sometimes a divorce attorney can bring about a spiritual experience in an alcoholic.

This is the humor within AA that outsiders don't seem to get. Some stories I've heard - A camping honeymoon where the boat was sunk and camp was burnt to the ground - drunk driving in a loaded school bus - getting arrested two times in the same night by the same cap for hitting the same tree - a whole hour long meeting where everyone told a story of destroying a Christmas tree or throwing one through a window - an airline pilot who made national news for the first flying while intoxicated arrest of a commercial airline pilot (he still flies, and says many AAs do, and many pilots need AA) - John digging graves at the VA and some woman pouring a fifth of whiskey on her husband's coffin saying, "This is all you cared about when you were alive, now you can have the shit forever!" - the time I got drunk on Friday night and my dog spent the weekend in jail - our absolute fascination with alcohol, then and now, set a beer can in a room and we all would just stare at it.

Identifying with each other is crucial to identifying ourselves as alcoholic, that's why we share our stories. That is the way we have to have it, we need to hear from other alcoholics about this game, how we can only win by surrendering. Strange, wonderful, and tragic disease, I love it, and I hate it. Thank God I get to be around other sober alcoholics and relive the old times, so I never forget what misery awaits if I pick up the first drink.

-Chuck, Vegetarian fanboy