Dr. Willie: Please list the 5 strains. Spelling counts, too, Mr. Magoo, so don't try to fake it. I should be the expert on the subject but I defer to your judgment because I honestly didn't know there were 5 strains.

Biff: You're boring. You hopscotch from STDs to somehow making it a putdown that I pay for some fine onscreen acting. That's bizarre to me. You go to a restaurant, you pay for a meal. You go to a car dealer, you pay for a car. You enjoy time with a woman, you pay her to show your appreciation.

By extension, Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner must be bigger chumps, right? I mean, look at all that money those suckas had to pay for women to take their clothes off.

Just be honest with yourself and delve into the deep end (if there is one) of your fragile psyche to find out what bothers you about this whole thing. You don't stick with one line of putdowns, sir, and this concerns me. You vascillate....and not very well, I might add. Yes, we know your thoughts immediately went towards Vaseline and all the 5-finger-fun you've had with that Costco-sized jar beside your single bed. Focus, man. Focus!

I would stay and argue but I have to go to "work" now. Be like Ralph Wiggum and eat some paste. Share with Limp Willie if you feel like it. You can both take mouthfuls and gross each other out like kids as you play Load My Mouth. First one to swallow wins!