Wish I did. Right now what would help would be the ability to afford to get well. And, that might just start happening next month.

Money worries overwhelm me ... even when there isn't really a problem.

That - and I have to learn how not to let conflict eat me alive. I just can't deal with conflict without lashing out or shutting down.

I keep trying stuff. I'm just coming through a very hopeless phase and staring to see a glimmer of hope again.

I've suffered with this crap since I was about 14. When I was younger and in shape it was easier to use physical strength to force my way though the malaise.

I had a good long run from 1988 to 1996. I used to live on 4-6 hours of sleep without being tired. But in 1995 the office turned to total conflict and by 1997 I was fried.

I came back for a while in 1998, but sadly the drugs I thought were working for me actually made me sicker [turns out anti-depressants actually make undiagnosed bi-polar people cycle faster and deepens depression].

But, by the end of 1999 I was back but I feel into a deep depression in 2001 [9/11 + the end of the internet boom] and by June 2002 I was hiding in my apartment again.

The next year I started my own business, but in less than I year I turned a great 1st 6 months into a complete disaster - for both myself and my clients - made worse when another attempt at medication made me sicker.

In 2005, I found a great doctor who diagnosed me as bi-polar and put me on a path to stabilizing medication wise. But, he went independent and I can't afford him even at the generous discount rate he offered. And, I've had problems finding a psychoparm of his abilities who I connect with since.

I start on Medicare Part C on Saturday.

I am hopeful that I will find a good solution at St. Vincents - which participates in my new PPO plan. Plus, I go from paying more than $600 a month for health insurance to less than $150 for much MORE coverage and less out of pockets.

I plan to have a monthly psychopharm, weekly group and individual sessions. Those 9 visits will cost me $90 a month. Under my own insurance, I couldn't have more than 20 mental health visits a year which, until Timothy's Law kicked in last year, cost me $25 per visit.