I drank so much jungle juice at a Christmas party the other night, I woke up and took a shit that smelled like fruit punch. I didn't even know that was possible.

This lunatic bartender girl who asked me out recently turned out to have a lunatic ex-girlfriend as well. The ex-GF read my texts with this girl and then promptly attempted to commit suicide. I think the last page of texts went something like this:

Hot Girl: Hey! I wanna do something with you. What do you want to do???
Steezo: Everything!
HG: No! Pick something.
Steezo: OK, I pick the butt.
HG: Lol! I'm OK with the butt!

I also received a phone call from the lunatic where she threatened to burn my house down and kill me. She also told me to stop calling her (she called me). And, after threatening me with death, she then said she would get a restraining order against me. The fucked up thing is, women can basically just do that without any cause.