Oh brother. I got stuck sitting next to a complete raisin cake last night. She was Alaska Native. Deaf. And she would cringe every time I moved. I found out that it was because I'm a big guy and her daddy was also big and he used to beat the shit out of her. I had to be fake nice to her all night after hearing that. She also said people are always making fun of her. And I like to get into adventures and help people. The end result of buying her a drink and being fake nice to her was that she wanted me to take her home. I said, "My adventure ends here."

Also, some dork with a skullcap hat on the other side of the bar was giving me the death stare all night. I kept going outside to smoke to see if he would follow me out, but I guess he was scared. I came to find out later that his girlfriend was the bartender. And I had previously told her she has a nice, big, juicy ass. Now she is just fat and my friend came up with a great nickname for her: Overbeast.