My extranneous reasons for drinking this morning:

- The case of beer has been sitting unopened for three days

- Less than a month until landscaping

- Less than a month till I turn 35. Life is more than half over

- Being left off Monkey's list of worst posters

- Mrs. Handful is not home

- Mrs. Handful is a bitch

- Made a conscious decision not to smoke reefer today

- Still missing Conky

- I am practising to become a full-blown alcoholic when I retire
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There's not a woman alive who has not wanted to be treated like a whore. It's in their genes.