I woke up last night feeling like an arthritic whore had urinated in my nostrils. Yeah, that kind of feeling.

I had some kind of a disturbing dream but it's taken me until now to shake off my stupor and put it together.

I was a Jackson, as in a member of the Jackson family. I'm not sure which one I was, but all of the other Jacksons were being played by the Cosby kids. Theo I remember was Tito Jackson, and Joe kept beating him up. We lived in mortal fear of Joe, not because we were afraid of the violence but because he kept molesting LaToya in front of us.

Theo wanted to run away to Albania but we followed a green laser to his high school instead, where William Shatner was a former teacher who didn't remember my name. We put our names into bags and Captain Kirk told me that I really should get married before I get too old. They were dipping people into the carbon freezing chamber from Star Wars in the next room, though, so we quit that scene.

I don't know what this dream was about, but it disturbed me on some fundamental level. I'm pretty sure it means I'm gay, because most dreams boil down to that. So I think I should ask Monkey and Garfield if they have any tips on coming out of the closet. Should I switch to light beer and smoke Benson and Hedges? Do I have to listen to Liza Minelli or is really any type of cabaret music okay?

thx, arab