I would spend hours in the woods near an abandoned strip mine pond, for it was rumored that occasionally girls would come to that secluded locale to swim nude. Many wasted summer days I spent there hoping beyond hope that I'd get to see naked girls. I never did and I generally ended up masturbating into foliage bitterly. Those long walks home afterwards are some of the lonliest moments in my life. Now I can effotlessly watch pretty ladies in pornography being violently sexually degraded in any manner I can conceive of and in many ways that I never even thought of. This is madness and it is elementally wrong and bad.

Who started that rumor? Your mom's boyfriend?