This has been the worst month of my life.
Today I was working away at the office and felt the urgecy of a shit that needed to bail from the confines of my bowels. Taking due note of this feeling, I promptly went to the property restroom. I got to the door, jumped for my keys....and had no potty pass.
"Holy Shit!!" I yelled as I quickly used my left thumb to cork the shit that was leaking from my asshole. I wobbled like a penguin back to the office and I needed to act fast.
Using my James Bond/A-Team/Magyver inginuity, I saw the tools I could use to make a hasty, disposable toilet. a full trash can and an empty cardboard box.
I quickly rigged up the box on top of the trash can and pooed away. I had no newspaper or porn mag to stroke to, so it was fast...and messy. When I was done I looked at it and it resembled a texture more corned beef and hash meets a peanut butter smoothie than the traditional American turd. Being both scared and alone, I was uncertain as to how to deal with the next task at hand - wiping my ass. If it were an ordinary turd, I might've taken the chance and let my butt go unchecked until later. But I couldn't. I could already feel wet shit on the bottom of my ass cheeks and knew there was much more to follow.
I ran to the front office, found nothing. Sadly, I had to dribble brown water all the way to the back office where I found two McDonalds napkins and one Quiznos napkin. With relief, I scooped up a 1/2 cup of chili shit from my ass. Still, it wasn't enough. I needed more material to dry my bum. I had to clean my butt Rambo style - by that I mean by any means neccessary. So I reached for the only thing available: bubble wrap. It fucking hurt like hell and actually cut my tender, very virgin a-hole. With a small tear running down my eye, I looked down at my shorts and saw that the top rear was almost entirely covered in wet shit. Disgusted with myself, I yanked up my shorts, grabbed the shit box, sealed it and threw it in the dumpster. Being a caring individual, I almost labeled the top of the box with a note that read "This Box Contains Shit And Is A Bio-Hazard", but I figured against it, as the thought of a trash diving bum dicovering a box of brown treasure is just too deliteful.
Now, I'm sitting here in my boxers, with my shorts hanging on the A/C drying as they were washed under the water spicket outside, wondering how your weekend was. So, how was it?

Sometimes I envy your fancy life.