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#484951 - 04/29/10 08:10 PM
Joining a Jim
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Demodded Diseased Dwarf
Porn Jesus
Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 9174
Loc: Penalty Box
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You see? It’s been so fucking long since my fat ass has lumbered into a gym that I forget the proper spelling. Look, it’s time to face some gigantic, cream-filled, facts: I need to get back into shape.
A decade or so ago, I did not intend on becoming runner up in The World’s Sexiest Man contest. It just sort of happened. I was 6 veneers and 6 inches in height away from taking Brad Pitt’s crown. Don’t bother looking it up. Trust me. It’s true.
Losing out to one half of the future Brangelina spiralled me down into a world of depression, despair, and Dunkin’ Donuts.
I quit porn to go to law school. Not many people know this about me. I thought I knew everything about torts only to flunk out. How was I to know they were talking about civil wrongs and not delicious German chocolate cakes? Seriously.
So I went back to porn and got caught up in the party lifestyle. I did a lot of coke. I did even more pepsi. Last month, I was nearly crushed by an avalanche of empty Mountain Dew cans.
I knew I had a problem when Sasha Grey congratulated me on being The Biggest Loser. I tried to correct her and say I wasn’t on the show. She just smiled, turned, and walked away.
My D-cup man boobs caused my last POV movie to be categorized as Girl-Girl by Hotmovies for their Video On Demand. I was devastated. Show some respect and call me a she-male! I was too depressed to return Joey Silvera’s calls about Rogue Adventures.
Enough! The Krispy Kreme ends here, I say! I joined a gym today and weighed in at 177.4 pounds. With the hope of seeing my penis in the not-too-distant future, I resolve to get back to my fighting weight back when I held the UFC welterweight championship belt. Again, don’t look it up. Just trust me.
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#484957 - 04/29/10 10:28 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 08/30/09
Posts: 7671
Loc: paizuri,pizza,poodles,photo
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i think hes talking about you sugar tits.
_________________________
i think of the past and how the future isnt how i imagined it,but the past is exactly where i unraveled it.excuses for failed attempts, gained another one i used a noose
it’s not until you fall apart you see the screws are loose-cage
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#484958 - 04/29/10 10:29 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Demodded Diseased Dwarf
Porn Jesus
Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 9174
Loc: Penalty Box
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Quote:
if you start casting decent talent than you might be more motivated to lose weight. it worked for ron.sort of.
I am on a budget. Unlike some of the talent, it's tight.
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#484959 - 04/29/10 10:31 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Demodded Diseased Dwarf
Porn Jesus
Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 9174
Loc: Penalty Box
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Quote:
i think hes talking about you sugar tits.
Who you callin'....oh....I see.
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#484960 - 04/29/10 10:31 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 08/30/09
Posts: 7671
Loc: paizuri,pizza,poodles,photo
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start doing what brian pumper does and start using street walkers that havent lost the war on drugs yet.
_________________________
i think of the past and how the future isnt how i imagined it,but the past is exactly where i unraveled it.excuses for failed attempts, gained another one i used a noose
it’s not until you fall apart you see the screws are loose-cage
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#484963 - 04/29/10 11:47 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 3703
Loc: Sleeping through my funeral
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HHAHAHAha you're fat at a buck seventy seven? The camera must ad like....100 pounds....just exactly how short are you? Were your muscles ever real or was that just synthol?
_________________________
Leave your mind open, receptive to the demons message.
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#484964 - 04/29/10 11:51 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Kurt Lackwood's Fluffer
Registered: 05/22/08
Posts: 1272
Loc: In a cesspool of phonies and d...
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Mmm... Krispy Kreme.
Just last night someone at a bar mentioned I'd put on some weight. After sulking a bit, I threw back a few more, went home, put on my favorite Carpenters record, and cried in the shower 'til dawn.
I don't know, B. Make it happen, I guess. How much ya lookin to lose?
_________________________
Jeff Jordan: "Common man from LA"
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#484965 - 04/30/10 06:24 AM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 03/22/07
Posts: 5186
Loc: Joshua Tree National Park
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Quote:
You see? It’s been so fucking long since my fat ass has lumbered into a gym that I forget the proper spelling. Look, it’s time to face some gigantic, cream-filled, facts: I need to get back into shape.
A decade or so ago, I did not intend on becoming runner up in The World’s Sexiest Man contest. It just sort of happened. I was 6 veneers and 6 inches in height away from taking Brad Pitt’s crown. Don’t bother looking it up. Trust me. It’s true.
Losing out to one half of the future Brangelina spiralled me down into a world of depression, despair, and Dunkin’ Donuts.
I quit porn to go to law school. Not many people know this about me. I thought I knew everything about torts only to flunk out. How was I to know they were talking about civil wrongs and not delicious German chocolate cakes? Seriously.
So I went back to porn and got caught up in the party lifestyle. I did a lot of coke. I did even more pepsi. Last month, I was nearly crushed by an avalanche of empty Mountain Dew cans.
I knew I had a problem when Sasha Grey congratulated me on being The Biggest Loser. I tried to correct her and say I wasn’t on the show. She just smiled, turned, and walked away.
My D-cup man boobs caused my last POV movie to be categorized as Girl-Girl by Hotmovies for their Video On Demand. I was devastated. Show some respect and call me a she-male! I was too depressed to return Joey Silvera’s calls about Rogue Adventures.
Enough! The Krispy Kreme ends here, I say! I joined a gym today and weighed in at 177.4 pounds. With the hope of seeing my penis in the not-too-distant future, I resolve to get back to my fighting weight back when I held the UFC welterweight championship belt. Again, don’t look it up. Just trust me.
Aren't you Canadian? What is with this Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme shit? Don't you have a Tim Horton's to invest in?
_________________________
I would eat Allie Sin's asshole until I got an emotion out of her.-Jerkules
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#484967 - 04/30/10 10:34 AM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 11/04/05
Posts: 3509
Loc: Pit of Despair
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Stop eating poutine and toe jam and you'll lose the weight in about 6 weeks.
_________________________
Fap, Fap, Fap
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#484968 - 04/30/10 10:42 AM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 01/30/08
Posts: 7596
Loc: a site known for its tolerance...
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Good on you.
_________________________
"I'll never forget the moment during the lovely Alyssa Allure's scene in 'American Bukkake' where the fellow got out of his wheel chair to ejaculate on her face. It was grotesque but had a certain frisson." -Sock
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#484970 - 04/30/10 11:21 AM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Demodded Diseased Dwarf
Porn Jesus
Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 9174
Loc: Penalty Box
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Quote:
Stop eating poutine and toe jam and you'll lose the weight in about 6 weeks.
I am all about instant gratification. I can't wait 6 weeks. I'm going to have a Philly cheese steak sandwich and go to a fat doctor to see if I can get some liposuction.
Seeing that my weight gain was caused through no fault of my own, I am setting up a Paypal contribution link at www.brandoniron.com. Please be generous. I am offering to record funny voicemail messages as a way of saying thank you. The most popular one so far is a singalong to Black Sabbath's "Iron Man." Without any musical training, I NAH-NAH-NA-NA-NA exactly to the beat.
I didn't realize how draining this would be. I'm going to have a snack.
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#484972 - 04/30/10 11:58 AM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 11/04/05
Posts: 3509
Loc: Pit of Despair
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If losing your hair counts as weight loss then you are losing weight Brandon
_________________________
Fap, Fap, Fap
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#484975 - 04/30/10 08:17 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Bukkake Boy
Registered: 06/13/06
Posts: 611
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For a sociopath, you're pretty darned funny Mr. Irons. Want to start a May 2010 Callenetics challenge with me? For the trolling value alone it would be worth it, but it's wicked effective for toning and enhances flexibility (perfect for shaving those hard-to-reach-areas).
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#484977 - 04/30/10 10:31 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 01/30/08
Posts: 7596
Loc: a site known for its tolerance...
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I know this program pitch is cheesy, and i have posted it numerous times But this thing worked like a motherfucker. I am serious. Easy to follow. Quick. Totally changed the way i eat etc.
_________________________
"I'll never forget the moment during the lovely Alyssa Allure's scene in 'American Bukkake' where the fellow got out of his wheel chair to ejaculate on her face. It was grotesque but had a certain frisson." -Sock
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#484978 - 04/30/10 10:43 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Demodded Diseased Dwarf
Porn Jesus
Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 9174
Loc: Penalty Box
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Cool beans......is all you get to eat, right?
Fuck it. What I really need to do is figure out what makes both women and potato chips so appealing that I overindulge a teensy, weenzie bit. By that I mean, I empty the bank account on sweet bon bons. Picture a sieve:
Now picture a bunch of money stampeding its way through it.
You know how much rent I pay to live on Fantasy Island? Here I am in happier times:
Please stop this madness before I really wind up like Herve. I'm begging you, please!! (On a side note, did you know that Herve Villechaize's father was a doctor and died in WWII as part of the French Resistance? Or that Herve was the youngest artist to ever exhibit in the Museum of Paris? Or that his big break came in 1974 in The Man With the Golden Gun?) Read more about the downward spiral here: http://www.franksreelreviews.com/shorttakes/tattoo/tattoo.htm
If I keep up my fill-the-void existence, my next role will be a dinner roll. 6 months from now...
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#484980 - 04/30/10 11:00 PM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/07/05
Posts: 14160
Loc: NYC
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Brandon was way leaner in Another Sores of Iron.
_________________________
"What I do know is that if Karen Carpenter and Mama Cass Elliot had shared that sandwich they'd both be alive today." -Michael K
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#484982 - 05/01/10 03:06 AM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Kurt Lackwood's Fluffer
Registered: 05/22/08
Posts: 1272
Loc: In a cesspool of phonies and d...
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Just walked out of Canter's with 4 of everything on the bottom row.
_________________________
Jeff Jordan: "Common man from LA"
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#484983 - 05/01/10 08:51 AM
Re: Joining a Jim
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 08/30/09
Posts: 7671
Loc: paizuri,pizza,poodles,photo
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 * 1/2 pound flank steak or skirt steak, cut across the grain into 1/4-inch slices * 1/3 cup balsamic vinegar * 1 1/2 tablespoons lemon juice * 1 teaspoon oregano * 1/4 teaspoon pepper * 3/4 cup plain, fat-free Greek yogurt * 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder * 1/2 teaspoon pepper * 1/8 teaspoon salt * 1/2 tablespoon lemon juice * 1 teaspoon bottled, minced garlic * 1/2 cup tomato, chopped * 1/2 cup cucumber, chopped * 2 pieces whole-wheat pita bread tasty recipe from that site.
_________________________
i think of the past and how the future isnt how i imagined it,but the past is exactly where i unraveled it.excuses for failed attempts, gained another one i used a noose
it’s not until you fall apart you see the screws are loose-cage
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