One day I went into a Potty Emergenty of the DefCon 5 type. All around the town, Richter scales were going boinkers. I ran to the bathroom, pulled down me pants, sat in the toilet and let it go with relief. Bombs away, and all that implies. 30 seconds over Hiroshima.

Well, right in the middle of the doing, a little ball or dry turd got stuck in the middle of, uh, me. It acted like an organic cork. Didn't wanted to go in nor out. After some relaxation, the turdy cork finally gave up and I finished my dirty deeds.

Then I looked at the floater and froze in terror. I never imagined that something so BIG could have stayed inside me for so long. Remember The Golgotha, from Dogma? It was worse. It has blood in it, and even some hair. Took me six or seven long flushes to get rid of the uninvited guest.

And then, after all that hoopla, I found out that I've had run out of toilet paper...

It had hair and blood? Was it a turd or an abortion?