Bag Ladies
Directed by Jeff Mike
Starring 5 skanks with bags on their heads
JM


The cast o’ nasties at JM are such jaded animals that only the most twisted of premises amuse them, which explains thing like DP Demons (girls, um…getting DP be demons), Perverted Stories (Christ, we’re do I begin? Camelboy? Cannibal pig fuckers? Blood shower blowjobs?) and, of course, the ever popular “Liquid Gold” series. But, ya know, even allthat madness didn’t prepare me for this. The “Bag Ladies” title should be taken quite literally, because that’s exactly what it is- chicks with bags on their heads, getting fucked. Swear to God.

It is anybody’s guess who the “5 skanks with a bag on their head” are, but I bet at least one of ‘em is yr mom. Just kidding. Actually, if yer savvy to the tattoos and suburban burnout accents of o’ the usual suspects littering the mid-level porn arena in ’98, when this ‘un was initially shot, then the jig is up pretty quick. And just in case yr particularly dense, the stunt dicks all call the gals be their porno names. At any rate, they all perform with paper grocery bags on. The bags have magic marker drawings of a girl’s face on ‘em. And the mouth is cut out. Ha ha!

So, we go through a series of standard porno premises (first date, fun with the landscapers, torn ‘tween two lovers, etc), and nobody’s particularly acting like anything’s wrong, but I dunno if I’ve ever seen anything MORE wrong, really. Like the scene where Ron Jeremy fucks some chick with gigantic fake tits and lightning bolt tattoos on her puss in the dirt, like a cuppla slimy, fat worms, and then apologizes for cumming all over her pretty blue paper bag eyes. Or when a be-bagged tramp (who’s got such a bad lisp she’s either gotta be deaf or retarded) gets DP’d, and gasps heavily the whole time cuz she’s havin’ trouble breathin’ through the holes. Ya know, stuff like that.

Besides the obvious freakshow factor, I have no idea what the point o’ this one was. I mean, the chick has “Candy Apples” tattooed on her tits- we KNOW who she is-and believe me, Candy looks way better WITHOUT a bag on her fuckin’ head, so just what the fuck are we doing here? What? Humiliating women for cheap, tawdry laughs? Oh. Well, ok then. Plus, walkin’ up to your buddies and saying “I just saw a porno where they fucked a buncha chicks with bags on their heads” is pretty much a guaranteed party starter, so ya got that going for ya, too. And best of all, the guy at the video store now has a tape of you asking for a fuck flick called “Bag Ladies”, which will surely be the hit clip of his Xmas party. So I guess everyone wins here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go rub soap in my eyes, as the image of Ron Jeremy’s hairy, muddy ass appears to be burnt into my retinas.

-Sleazegrinder