Before I start this rant...Jeff Mike is very cool. In the middle of Saturday afternoon when the fanboy swarm was reaching flood stage, Jeff starts talking to me about the AVN Awards. I personally think they are the biggest waste of time and prove that most porn is overthought and taken too seriously (except for Randy Spears). Jeff offers a ticket to the show. Jeff says, It's close to the front...you need to see the crocodile tears and all of the fake bullshit upfront. I think it's cool because I may be able to shoot spitballs into Jesse Jane's hair and see if the Aqua Net repels them. No..not really. He describes something like a gauntlet and suggests getting there 30 minutes ahead of the printed time. So I do.

If you know anything about convention-type hotels (and I don't) there is the enormously long corridor along which there are numerous ballrooms, meeting rooms, etc. In the case of the Venetian...it's more than 200 yards. All day the hotel staff has been detouring the fanboys and CES people around this hallway to get things ready. I arrive around 10 to 8 (Missed meeting Burg, Luke Ford and someone else @ a bar), and I'm relatively close to the front of the line.

One half of this hallway is roped off...lengthwise. One half is for the attendees to walk down...the other is filled 4 rows deep (and I am not making this up)...the entire length of the hallway. Everyone has their cam phones and digital cameras out. These freaks have waited over 3 hours since the convention shut down for the day for this moment. They start letting people walk down the hallway...gradually. I'm a few in line behind Kurt Lockwood, who has finally put on some clothes.

This is an utterly disgusting sight. People are taking random pictures of the people (including ME???), like next year I might be the next super-pimp that they "saw before he was big." I'm not much for hyperbole, but I imagine the characters in Alfred Jarry's King Ubu plays feel the same way when they first perform those roles live. I though I had seen displays of fanboyism unmatched before...but this was the ultimate...a jizz-soaked red carpet (well, it was some melange of tan and burgundy and whatever).

Next...Part 2: Whore Staging Area

Yuck. More of the same shit writing from the worst poster on xxxpt.

Willie D- "Hey, let me find stealth ways to talk about myself and suck my own dick at the same time denying it and shitting on everybody. I believe you when you say you have the body of Doron D. with the receding hairline because I get the same sick feeling reading your writing as I would probably seeing you in person. Like I was gonna puke! If you are going to critique, stop sucking your own dick on the sly, it's sickening. Believe me, your delusions of grandeur are shared by no one but you.

"Hey I'm Willie D., I can't believe I'm here at this stupid event with these stupid whores who would probably fuck me like I was King Stud if I was in the biz, but this sucks, I hate these people, I can't believe I spent all nite getting ready for this 'coz I hate it so much, and I really can't believe I'm stopping to let people take my picture because they probably think I'm a huge pimp because this just sucks. Me, me, me and oh yea, everything else sucks."

Your formula is dumb and so are you.

Lizard = a bitter Kurt Lockwood? Probably not . . .

We non-biz regulars don't know who you are Liz, and don't care so much. I thought Willie brought it home to those of us who didn't go in an entertaining and irreverent way, which is just what I would have expected, and I appreciate him for running the gauntlet of sin for the rest of us. We know that you're some kind of insider, but you can only play that unknown card so long. We're well acquainted with haters of all kinds around here. Willie has brought some quality goods to the board, what have you done, or is that impossible to say in order to retain your secret identity? Please, enlighten us with your prose. That is what you do, right?

Walking the corridor is called 'walking the red carpet'. It gives fans a chance to take photos of their favorites all dolled up.