EXCLUSIVE:

Luke Ford columnist and "popular" ADT mod and regular M Lyons today hit out at the prospect of a new year starting.
Blond-haired Lyons. 55, said: "There is no such thing as a new year. There are seasons, yes, but why should that mean that a new year is starting? I say it's like this; when I get Mrs Lyons to cut my hair every six weeks, I do not claim that I am growing a new head. Simply my hair was cut."
The shock revelations that M Lyons does not believe in new years will send waves of horror round calendar makers who have so far taken M Lyons' speeches as gospel.
"I also do not believe in myself, whom I believe isn't really here," continued the manic Luke Ford columnist. He then walked off, drunk, with ten beers in him and said he was looking for a private place to take a piss.
Thank you.