My FIRST Review.............
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“Hey, My Grandma Is A Whore”
Starring: Esmerelda, Ruth, Susan, Monty St James, John Collins, Alex (Al Bogus/Sao Paulo/Bogas), Will Ravage (Will Bogus)
Directed By: Al Bogas/Sao Paulo/Bogus
Running Time: 83 minutes
Produced/Distributed: Heatwave Video
Ratings And Additional Comments Are Located At The Bottom Of This Review
Overview:
Wow, those nutty Bogus Brothers are at it again! Just when you thought they reached their artistic and physical peaks with the smash hits Big Boob Bangeroo 14 and Golden Oldies 5 they come at you swinging with a new series that’ll leave you screaming and clawing at your local video counter for more. The name of this hot new series is Hey, My Grandma Is A Whore. The performances put on by these actors is nothing short of radiant and dare I say ‘award worthy’? Sadly, this film was shot in 1999 and was overlooked by AVN. I wonder if it has to do with the thought provoking ideas brought forth by this film? Perhaps social issues like race, gender, age and urban economics were just too much for AVN and XRCO? Regardless, until those institutions open their eyes and ears to the world around them, it’ll be the work of men like me to bring these subjects to light.
Scenes 1&2 Esmerelda, Ruth, John Collins and Monty St James
Intro:
Al Bogas, the round, portly, dark half of the Bogas Brothers, drives around on the Ventura (101) Freeway sometime in the late PM after dark in a early ‘90‘s budget SUV like an Amigo or something. Stumpy sidekick John Collins rides shotgun. They both bitch and moan about not being able to find any action. Really, how could they? They’re on the freeway! Whatever, the scene was very erotic and the lighting phenomenal. Though it lacked any sexual substance and there was nary a woman in site, I had a funny tingling down below…my mucho macho burrito from earlier in the day was calling.
Finally they realize that it will be impossible to find a whore late at night on one of the busiest freeways in the world, so they exit. It looks like they may be somewhere in Hollywood. Again, they wail like retards that have lost their favorite stuffed animals until they pass a bus stop sporting two Latin women. Al Bogas freaks out at this sighting and turns the wheel for a U-turn so fast that John Collins nearly loses the $300.00 Sony camera. The men slowly drive up to the women.
Al tries to speak to them in his own half-ass version of the English language. Both women look at each other as if he’s speaking Chinese (which he almost is) let alone English. After a few meaningless attempts at teaching these ladies a whole new language he brilliantly slips into his own native tongue - Spanish, just like the ladies! - and starts up a healthy banter of who knows what. At this point I figured they were deep into negotiations, so I went, grabbed my newest Maxim and took a shit. Returning, I found them at the end of the third-world bargaining process. Both of the ladies jumped in the early ’90’s Isuzu and they drove off. I think this process took about 15 minutes and was not subtitled.
Back on the freeway, Al informs a mute John Collins and all of us that these women are “down for anything”. Al picks up a cell phone to make a call. We are immediately cut to a shitty apartment somewhere in the San Fernando Valley (I think). A really cheesy looking guy named Monty St James answers the phone. Sporting a ‘Noel Plum’ hair style (bleach blonde, spiky, and falling out by the bushel), Monty is everything you don’t want to be. He hears from Al that bitches are on the way and Monty can’t wait. After this, his holy paleness hangs-up the phone and we’re treated to 30 seconds of him adjusting his cheap gold chains. Why this didn’t hit the cutting room floor, I don’t know.
We’re brought back to the Isuzu where the brilliant cinematography of John Collins is brought into play. He turns around, letting out a near belch (once you see him you’ll realize he doesn’t move much in life) as his body is twisted in ways unknown since his last Phys. Ed. Class in 1978. Scary, but at least we get to meet the ladies.
The lens lays its camera eye on two very new guests to the U.S. Their names are Esmerelda and Ruth. Esmerelda, sitting on the cameras left, is about 45 years of age. Actually, she could be 30, but she’s from some tough spot in the world and I know it’s rough down there. The excellent lighting allows us to get a full view of Esmereldas face and we now realize why make-up is so, so crucial to pornography. To put it mildly, Esmerelda has the skin texture of the moons surface. Riddled with pock marks and deep scars, this poor woman knows skin cleansing and medication like I do real life pussy….not at all. Though sitting and truly hard to gauge, I’ll go out on a limb and say her body looks dumpy and resembles a bag filled with large cabbage heads and potatoes. However, I should note that Esmerelda strikes a nerve with me and she was the sole reason for my renting this DVD. See, when I was 18 we had a maid that visited our home twice a week. She, like Esmerelda, was rancid in appearance and an immigrant to our great land. At 18, I found this woman to be of tremendous fuckability. One day I asked the maid to give me a hand-job. She refused. Angry with rejection and built up semen, I accused her of stealing old newspapers that we left outside for garbage collection. She was fired. For some reason I still feel bitter about the hand-job and harbor terrible guilt for having her canned for no good reason whatsoever. It’s perplexing. I hope this DVD helps me to cope. Moving on………
We next meet Ruth. She’s beyond description. Her face is almost Neanderthal. She looks like a cave woman from Tijuana of anywhere from 25 - 40 years of age. Like Esmerelda, her clothes do her no favor and display a physique that can best be described as that of a weeble-wobble (the funny little toy that doesn’t roll over).
Anyway, after seeing these broads I couldn’t wait for some hard fucking!!! Did I mention that neither of these gals resemble Grandmas? Not in the normal sense at least.
Al and company finally arrive to Monty’s swinging studio pad. When the chicks walk in the apartment it is obvious that Monty doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Al informs the room that Esmerelda is first to fuck and Ruth just wants to watch. In a rude fashion John Collins takes the only available seat while Ruth sits on a stack of books and shit next to him. Esmerelda stands next to the bed where a still stunned Monty sits. Forced to deal with a lack of space and a full bed to capture on film, Al moves his roly-poly self into a closet and shoots from within it’s narrow confines. This is brave. It is also the ONLY angle we’re treated to for the next two scenes. However, it goes without saying that the lighting was of superior quality. Monty looks over Esmerelda with an eye that spells erotic tension. In my head I hear Steppenwolfs (sp?) ’Magic Carpet Ride’. Let the lust begin. I reach for the lotion……..
The Action:
Monty reaches towards Esmereldas dress and pulls it down revealing her industrial strength pantyhose….and huge underwear underneath them. Why both? I don’t get it. Anyway, he shimmies all of this down her bruised and battered legs and unkempt bush. She has a tumbleweed between her legs. I feel bad for Monty. Monty feels bad for himself. You should feel bad for me. Yet, with all of this, I sprout an erection. Help me.
Monty stands his pale, lanky self up on the bed and Esmerelda pulls down his leopard print Speedos (not joking). She examines his very limp tool as if it were and avocado at the supermarket. She looks at it, then at a stumped Ruth and finally at Al in the closet. She mutters something in a foreign lip. Al babbles something back. She slowly licks and touches his still limp dick like a person forced to eat bugs after being lost for ten days in the woods. This agonizing process lasts for about ten minutes. For me that meant one minute in fast forward. The act of oral pleasure finally reverses with Monty bedding Esmerelda. She spreads her legs and Monty digs in. For a second it looks ok until Monty comes up for air looking like a member of the Chernobyl clean up team that lost his Bio Hazard suit. If I could, I’d reach into the TV set and hand the poor bastard a clothespin for his nose. Even I could smell that certain ’musk’. Somebody should’ve called a human rights group for ol’ Monty because he was indeed being tortured. Maybe they told him this would be his ’big break’ and that eating the cooch of a dirty Mexican woman would be paying his dues and all the big studios and directors would take notice. Either way, he dug into it like an Ethiopian at Soup Plantation. Crazy, just crazy. Oh by the way, Esmerelda grunted twice during this exercise in erotica. I’m ashamed of my erection.
After the oral fun we get into the fuck phase. Monty puts on a green glow in the dark rubber and Esmerelda takes her shirt off. I wish neither would have happened. His condom is a joke as is his teeny tiny weenie. Her tits look like road kill in two sacks and that’s all I’ll say. I’ll leave it alone. She’s poor and lacks the knowledge of what it means to maintain your tits, let alone the common sense to use scissors on her gigantic pussy or a washcloth on the rest of her body. Again, I’ll leave her alone. Anyway, Monty spreads her legs and fucks her missionary. He humps her like an insect or wild boar working out of instinct alone and leaving any sense of pleasure or style out in the Isuzu. Esmerelda closes her eyes and grunts in the most erotic of ways two times. During all of this, Al shouts many directions at many people in many different languages. He’s excited as fuck. He sounds like a kid that just one front row tickets to Wrestle Mania.
The next position is Esmerelda on top reversed. This is a pathetic position for both parties. It best resembles a newborn colt learning how to walk. Sad. I’ll say nothing more of it.
Next is doggy. Surprisingly, Esmerelda gets into it a bit by clutching the sheets and nearly yelling. John Collins notices this and kinda gets frisky with Ruth. She rejects him as she’s probably pissed by his poor manners regarding the seat. He lets off and we continue to enjoy the doggy fucking. On a personal level this portion made me cum. I felt really bad and went to make a sandwich afterwards. I didn’t return to the movie for days later.
After the doggy the dynamic duo did a little more missionary followed by a whole lotta hand jerkin’ from Esmerelda. Monty kept his eyes shut as tightly as humanly possible and we all know he was somewhere far, far away from all of this. He finally ejaculated on her dead chest rodents. She hooted and hollered as if flames were shooting from his dickhole and she was a gasoline covered piñata. She runs free of camera view and we never see her again. Good bye Esmerelda.
One down and one to go (in this scene at least). Next up is Ruth and super stud John Collins. Taking no breaks to clean up the bodily fluids left behind by the last two lovers, Ruth and John quickly strip and waste no time in getting jiggy. Ruth’s tits are like two small meatballs glued to a living room wall - small and way out of place. John is really red and hairy. Hairy red that is. Fucking odd casting here. They fuck basically missionary. He sweats a lot and expects way too much from this lady. She doesn’t know shit from shinola when it comes to porn, yet he’s trying to work her like she’s Bi-Sexual Britni. He has her tug on his nipples, which she does until he lets go. He repeats the procedure - as does she. He tries to fuck her sideways, she revolts and goes back to missionary. It’s like a tug-a-war with my cock and emotions. They finally find a ‘white mans groove in a disco’ and he cums on her tortilla enriched belly. I feel bad after watching this and contemplate making a noose from old Leisure Time VHS and ending my pathetic life. Then I realize that there is another scene on this disc to review and I suddenly feel redeemed.
Scene 3 Susan & Will Ravage
Intro:
I guess Al was sick with the clap or something because he fucks not once in this tape. In the second scene it’s his partner in Crime, Will Ravage taking the helm. Basically it’s a much shorter intro. The Bogus Brothers are driving around some shitty park in the San Fernando Valley (I’m guessing Sylmar maybe?) and happen to see a woman alone at a park bench. Noticing this, they waste no time in bothering her. She tells us her name is Susan. I’m happy to inform you that this is a real granny. However, this is the kind of granny you’d never admit to having. Obviously an oddball, Susan rambles on about who knows what with her face always shying away from the camera. I’m sure she either sniffs glue or snorts baking soda because she’s all fucked up. Will and Al see this to and use it as opportunity to fuck her on tape.
The Action:
Will has Susan stroke his cock in an SUV (much nicer than the Isuzu by the way) and makes her work his pole. She’s really out of shape and doesn’t enjoy this one bit. They eventually cut to a really weird house. Campy wood paneling and ‘70’s furniture abounds. He fucks her in a handful of positions on the couch. She seems sorta into it, but mostly out of it.
After fucking her for a while Will gets ready to pop and boy does he pop! He must dig plowing zombies because he lays a load on her that would make Peter North tip his hat. Awesome lighting by the way!
I cried for 10 minutes after this scene.
Conclusion:
This film makes me question humanity as well as my own mental stability. I should be taking pills.
Rating:
1 to 10 With 10 Being Best
Fucking - 1 Out Of 10
Lighting - 10 Out Of 10
Story - 8 Out Of 10
Make-Up 0 Out Of 10
OVERALL:
10 Out Of 10 - A Must Buy!!
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