19073 Members
14 Forums
40349 Topics
614156 Posts
Max Online: 639 @ 01/18/23 06:59 AM
|
|
|
#341691 - 07/06/08 07:32 PM
FLOP = Fundamental Laws of Porn
|
Porn Jesus
Registered: 01/07/06
Posts: 4268
Loc: Portland
|
CameronKeys posted: Quote:
Quote:
I think Eli knows FLOP #1.
?????????
Doing some searching, I realize I haven't posted FLOP in 2008 (last posting = http://tinyurl.com/5ctkez).
So, for the newbies:
#1: whores lie #2: male performers have NO stroke value #3: way too much man-ass in hetero porn (please minimize the use of the dreaded "ball-cam" angle. Any amount of time that 70% of the screen is occupied by the dude's ass and nut sack is too much) #4: double-pen in the same orifice is gay #5: Generally, European porn stars are much dirtier than their American counterparts #6: when a dude is getting it up the ass, no matter if it's from a woman, tranny or another dude, it's gay #7: if you have a small dick and fuck like a chick with a strap on you shouldn't be a stunt cock #8: interracial gangbangs demonstrate how far we’ve come as a country regarding race #9: if she doesn’t do anal, and she’s not Christy Canyon, she’s not a legitimate porn star #10: piss, vomit and/or scat ain't sex(y) #11: too many tattoos and piercings and it becomes an unpleasant freak show #12: if you must show cunnilingus, make sure the guy doesn’t have a moustache (see Ron Jeremey and Christy Canyon; looks like the Tribbles Star Trek episode) #13: the male talent shall keep grunting and moaning to a minimum #14: don't jump to the guy's face during the money shot #15: there shall be no unattended pussy in a FFM threesome scene at any time #16: close up shots have their place, but it's not two thirds of the movie; pull back, establish and let us get on with the important business of jerking off to the whole girl, not just the meat piston #17: genuine sounds of balls slapping against girl's ass or cock slamming into wet cunt shall not be interrupted by talents' over dramatic moaning or porn banter #18: The bts interviewer shall not ask how the girl got into porn if she's been doing porn longer than 6 months #19: if it's a comp, let the box cover say it's a comp; don't dress it up as all new scenes #20: if the movie is shot in HD, cast must have good complexions (and definitely, no ass zits) #21: if it's on the box, it shall be in the movie #22: if an act is described as “her first time”, it shall not be common knowledge that it is far from her first time #23: unless your name is Andrew Blake, let us hear the actual noises instead of the music, no matter how much you paid your cousin to create it with Pro Tools #24: squirt is pee (see #10) #25: every whore has a price #26: the more cum that lands above her mouth, and the more surprised/upset she is about it, the better; if she actually starts to whimper, it's rewind time #27: in porn, for every one great boob job, there are 76 shit ones around the corner #28: someone else’s baby jam on/in a girl is off limits; stick your dick elsewhere or towel her off/make her swallow #29: nine out of ten whores say they are in porn for the "great sex" and "close friendships," when in reality they are motivated in the following order of importance: 60% money/Donna Karan sunglasses/Gucci handbags; 20% getting back at their fucking asshole parents; 10% support/augment drug dependency’; 10% support suitcase pimp's drug dependency #30: when a whore says they "don't do drugs any more," it means they still smoke unbelievable amounts of pot, and drink like fishes #31: not all attention-whores are porn girls, but all porn girls are attention-whores #32: if you have a catch-phrase, you're a douche #33: girls turn 18 every day #34: retired whore makes a comeback = rent is due #35: whores never learn #36: whores are never retired, they are just between sex-related “career opportunities” #37: directors shall keep babbling to a minimum #38: limit stills; flash bulbs going off is distracting #39: big-budget porn (e.g. “Conquest”, “Private Gladiator”) is a waste of perfectly good money that could be better spent on costlier sex acts; i.e., would you rather see a wooden ship or an anal gangbang? #40: slow-motion and replay shall be kept to the barest minimum #41: if the male talent is taking a long time to cum, edit it out; no one wants to see 60+ seconds of a guy desperately stroking himself off (and moaning) while the female talent mentally composes her shopping list (see #29) #42: eventually, to maintain interest, female talent will have to do anal (e.g. Eva Angelina) #43: whores can't do porn forever; sometimes you have to grow up and move on #44: when a whore holds off anal for too long, no one cares #45: if you are shot out and get breast implants, you are still shot out #46: never talk about your kids on your porn site; a real wood killer #47: how about a girl who sucks beyond the goddamn helmet; half these bitches don't belong in the industry, because they can't give proper head #48: during anal sex, the phrase “fuck the shit out of me” (or variations thereon) shouldn’t be uttered #49: the more ridiculously out of place a whore looks in how she's dressed (e.g. hot pants, clear heels, etc.), the better #50: asses are much improved by being bigger (within reason) and wetter (without reason)... #51: like Hydra, when one whore dies, another five spring up in her place #52: alt.porn has engendered more verbiage than woodage #53: male talent should not be featured prominently on the box cover #54: porners live in a different time zone which averages 45 minutes later than reality
_________________________
"My people (the real Americans- descended from the original Angle-Saxon pioneers)"-Coke S.
|
Top
|
|
|
|
#341692 - 07/06/08 07:36 PM
Re: FLOP = Fundamental Laws of Porn
|
Porn Jesus
Registered: 01/07/06
Posts: 4268
Loc: Portland
|
#55: just when you think the bottom of the barrel has been scraped clean, Brandon Irons posts a new horror to "Website Talk"
_________________________
"My people (the real Americans- descended from the original Angle-Saxon pioneers)"-Coke S.
|
Top
|
|
|
|
#341694 - 07/06/08 11:04 PM
Re: FLOP = Fundamental Laws of Porn
|
Porn Jesus
Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 4470
|
#56 is spam, please strike it from record.
_________________________
Because you already yelled 'dropping prices!!!' after Red Light canned you. - Gia Jordan to Brandon Iron
|
Top
|
|
|
|
#341697 - 07/07/08 09:40 PM
Re: FLOP = Fundamental Laws of Porn
|
Porn Jesus
Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 4470
|
Paperchase has provided evidence that #55 should indeed STAY a rule, and for good reason.
{shivers}Can you say cottage cheese thighs (and ass)?{/shivers}
_________________________
Because you already yelled 'dropping prices!!!' after Red Light canned you. - Gia Jordan to Brandon Iron
|
Top
|
|
|
|
#341698 - 07/08/08 05:32 AM
Re: FLOP = Fundamental Laws of Porn
|
Demodded Diseased Dwarf
Porn Jesus
Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 9174
Loc: Penalty Box
|
Ipso facto. Carpe diem. Actus reus.
I motion to strike the aforementioned party of the first part's motion on the grounds of irrelevance and witness badgering.
Clearly, Madaline has more than overcome one or two less-than-perfect nude models.
Attachments
327606-Madaline.jpg (27 downloads)
|
Top
|
|
|
|
#341699 - 07/08/08 07:52 AM
Re: FLOP = Fundamental Laws of Porn
|
Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 3555
|
^^^looks like the wrong watermark on that pic, brandon
_________________________
"I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend deep frying the fuck out of anything that gets in my way."
--Handful
|
Top
|
|
|
|
#341701 - 08/26/10 04:11 PM
Re: FLOP = Fundamental Laws of Porn
|
Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 11/04/05
Posts: 3509
Loc: Pit of Despair
|
Fucking Bump cause there have been alot of FLOP references lately
_________________________
Fap, Fap, Fap
|
Top
|
|
|
|
#341702 - 08/26/10 04:53 PM
Re: FLOP = Fundamental Laws of Porn
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
|
Top
|
|
|
|
|
0 registered (),
220
Guests and
3
Spiders online. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|