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Lord, man, it should be a simple, no nonsense porn review, not a church confession! 
He has that love-for-one's-own-words that you usually see in college freshmen at third-rate colleges. The porn whores that post over there must think he's a hoot. He probably gets all pumped up when he goes to conventions.
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"All my years in p*rn didn't quite prepare me for childbirth. I mistakenly thought all the stretching I did would make this easier."