It's the waning days of 2004 and the clock is winding down, so I figure it’s time by the sundial for Smutmutant's 2004 XXXPT Awards and why the fuck not? Usually all the porn mags and review lackeys make their end-of-year choices as if anybody is influenced by their paycheck for picks or what some deluded loser at cum stained computer thinks not including myself, of course. Be honest, everybody likes to read 'em for fun or make their own mental lists for kicks, but don't fool yourself that it means dick to anybody other than yourself. Sure, AVN does their own moolah motivated awards up for bid to the highest paying advertisers or judging by sales and who they should award to retain some kind of raincoat cred and/or elect what’s politically correct for the industry. The AVN Awards mean something to the various egos of producers/stars, the average perv, distributors and a studio's rep, but hell, do they mean anything beyond that? Fuck no! I don’t even expect these will matter, but they should. I’m in it for the love of porn like an idiot and I won’t be swayed by bribery, but blowjobs couldn’t hurt. Lip smacking sluts only need apply! You see, everybody has a price, myself included, and we all have loyalties. Basically only those with any guts have kept me on their screener list because they ain’t afraid of the truth and/or they stand by their product. Like I said before, I can get my grubby fisticuffs on anything and nothing this side of a bullet can stop me from waging ceaseless war on lousy pornography because my words are bond by Beelzebub and I’m blessed by the valkyries of light. Sounds good, don’t it? Get real, right? It may only make sense to me. Here goes:


SMUTMUTANT’s 2004 XXXPORNTALK AWARDS

Hottest porn honey: Haley Paige, who else?
Most extreme whore: Kami Andrews
Best Ass: August
Best Tits: Haley Paige
Best Twat: Heather Gables
Best newcummer: Nadia Sin
Most missed: Shawnie
Best flick: Jim Powers' Filthy Things
Best director: Jim Powers
best female director: Francesca Le'
Best Company: JM Productions
Best new studio: NXT LeVL
Best series: Jim Powers' Filthy Things
Best anal series: Army Of Ass
Best oral series: Deep Throat This
Best POV series: POV Pervert
Most original series: Girlvert
Best scene: Monica Sweetheart & that creepy meatholes pizza guy; Jim Powers' Filthy Things 2
Best anal scene: Haley Paige & Joel Laurence; Cheeks 14
Best oral scene: Cherry Lane & Jeremy Steele; Chickenheads
Best foreign porn: Private
Most consistant: Jules Jordan
Coolest dude: Skeeter Kerkove
Stupidest: Tony T.
Gayest: Brandon Iron
Dumbest name: Dale Dabone
Most Overrated: Janine
Goofiest: Shy Love
Just go away: Bella Marie Wolfe
Most repulsive: Nacho Vidal
Worst trend: rimjobs
Worst director: Gayzarman
Worst movie/series: too many to list
Worst Company: Vivid

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I'd have to think about it some more but offhand:

It's hard to leave Melissa Lauren out of this. And we ought to be able to squeeze Gen in here somewhere - she won't take much rooom

Nacho is going to own the "Gayest" award in a week or so when his gay video is released by EA.

I forgot Private was still in business.

Jenna Jameson is a good candidate for most-overrated.

smut-
you made me happy I dont care how silly it is the awards are important to me, they add validity. I know I basically exchange sex for money, but if I had an award at least Ide be recognized as being good at it.

maybe i can get a contract with digital play ground, they come with new noses.

Kami,
That was a great acceptance speech. It's exactly why I made the award with you in mind. I guess I could've said "most extreme porn babe," but I figured you'd understand that I only use the word whore with high regard unlike most heathens.

maybe i can get a plaque?

hell yeah! forgive me. I didn't think of that. I guess that's the diff tween an AVN award & a SMUTMUTANT award, at least they give out crummmy trophies. However, mine cums from the heart as well as the crotch and that's why it means so much more.

i wouldnt mind a wiffle ball bat

Sounds like something I could afford and engrave w/a magic marker!

bring it to vegas and well trake pics with it and well hype it next year..who will the next wiffle girl be!!

In addition to the whiffle bat, how about crazy gluing a wadded up tissue. Or better yet, cover the end of the bat with a slightly used tube sock. Since Kami is the first winner, you should name it after her. Next year she can pass the torch with a little whiffle A2AGM.

Happy New Year!

Rog

im afraid the tissue would come off in my bung hole. I ddint get anything for winning the F enny

If I get my lazy ass out to Vegas we'll def. do a an award presentation/bat insertion and I'll have to take some pix to post. It'd set a major precedent for future winners to live up to, but if I can't make it maybe I can convince Grip Johnson to be my stand-in.

it will be an ikea style award!
a solution for every day living as well as a tribute to my ability to do things that make other girls hurl

ok before this gets out of control , I have a confession.
I don't know what a wiffle ball bat is I just had the song stuck in my head
"I did it like this I did it like that.. I did it with a wiffle ball bat" if the beasty boys can do it with a wiffle ball bat I thought i could to.

you know what Kami? I had that Beasties line going through my mind, too. Just goes to show ya that great perverts think alike
fyi:

well they look smaller than an average bat

are you sizing it up for a possible fit? if so, that's exactly why you won the award whether or not it actually gets delivered.

as much as it pains me I cant deep throat for shit.(or cash for that matter)
I was sizing it up, im one of the few anal hookers who has never had any sports equipment in my bunghole (apart from golf balls)

There's always a first time for everything or a bat in the twat but I'll call a few monument/trophy type award stores and see if they're willing to roll with engraving "MOST EXTEME WHORE" on a plaque. Hey cash talks, but that might be a cheezy idea! Anyway, all joking aside, I'm just glad it made you happy to be honored.

I think I will win the award for tiniest tits AGAIN...

theres a gold mine in tiny tits!

Best scene of 2004 Gia Poloma,Victoria sin, in Cum fart cocktails. Red light District
Best over all Co. Red light
Best director. Vince Vouyer, red light
Best series. Cum swapping sluts, red light
Best JM scene. Girlvert 7 with the old laddy as mom.
Most extreme. Heather gable,
Best ass. katja kassin, how ever you spell her fucked up name
BEST WEB SITE JM
worst of 04.
all pov vids
anabolic

"smut-
you made me happy I dont care how silly it is the awards are important to me, they add validity. I know I basically exchange sex for money, but if I had an award at least Ide be recognized as being good at it."

Kami, your Feeding Frenzy 5 scene deserves something.....we'll call it the "Golden GLOBS" award. It was truly awesome thanks to you! Jules Jordan also gets credit too....but it is always the chick who truly makes a scene work.

Kami: check out my posts in the thread for Baker's Dozen #3 in General Talk....see if you can convince Jules to do something with my idea (which I originally said as a sarcastic pun/joke but was nonetheless well received.) You would be the perfect chick to do it (it has to be a woman who combines decadent-hotness with intelligence and a "I will do just about anything" attitude.)

I have a map...but it seems to lead right to my zipper

well thats the path.. repeat daily

I havnt spoken to brandon in forever either he couldnt pick me outta a line up im sure.

get the hi 8 ready!

don't worry Kami... Brandon's totally

Am I still living rent-free in your head, Jeffrey?

No,not really but theres still the matter of the back rent that is still due.

Be a man and collect it face to face, then, instead of talking shit all the time.

I think Jeff and brandon need to move this into the cage. Make it interesting.

If it comes to shovels and machetes I demand it's at least taped for ogrish.

fuck the Cage, the battlefield is right here.

better yet, somebody needs to fag fumigate the Evil Angel booth....
btw, hey Brandon: you just got clowned, but then again you're pretty good at that.