The committee has reached their verdict, and since the committee is me, it was an easy job. I'd like to thank those who tried to bribe the judges and no, John, I'm still not interested even though I just have to "lay back and relax."

Without further ado...


Best Poster:
Without a doubt, Smelly Monkey.

Worst Poster:
All one of the English Male Lesbian Posse. M8.

Creepiest Poster:
The scuzzy guy typing with one hand under the handle "Slut Wife."

Poster I'll Eternally Love:
Kami. If we grew old and you had to wear diapers, I would hire someone to change those diapers for you. With love.

Best New Chica:
Melissa Lauren. Not just because she posts here but because she dishes it out as well as any of us retards.

Best New Dude:
tanta's Daddy.

Best Thread Starter Aside from Monkey:
Chicken Master. I feel limp and inadequate by comparison.

Best Thread:
Mark Wallace, RIP.

Worst Thread:
Mainstream DVD Releases for Tuesday. I can honestly say I've never once clicked on that monstrosity because I can't imagine there's anything there that would be remotely interesting. Maybe I'll go check it out. Or, maybe I'll shove my hand in a blender. Either/or.

Most Inexplicable Thread:
After a late charge, this B.L.A.C.O. thing wins it. You got me.

Porn Industry Spokesmodel:
Undoubtedly, Nicole Brazzle. She's just a piston of self-promotion that never goes anywhere, lubricated by the Astro-Glide of... umm... lying, or something. That metaphor kinda got away from me there. Move on.

Best Forum:
The Monkey Cage. This is the place, this is the site.

Least Sympathetic Victim of the Year:
Nicole is disqualified, since she's not a victim at all. The first runner-up is hereby crowned: take a bow, "pay me out of pity," Lara Roxxx.

The WEHT? Award:
Cindy Crawford. One post and then she never came here again. Monkey was even nice to her.

XXXPT Poster Most Likely to Be Picked Up for a Felony in 2005:
Rob Longshot.

XXXPT Poster Most Likely to Have Severed Heads in his Freezer, and Keep on Killing Well Into the New Year:
Kyoto

biggest suprise poster
Ron Jeramy

ADT Monitor Poster
Morbidism

Funniest Prank character
Pastor john /Rico (iz a tie)

Latent poster/avid reader of the year
Teagan Presley

Most annoying poster
Outsider witha silver to alig and a bronze for morbidism

Dumbest xxxpt rule
I can't ban people cause I have PMS or dont like them

Best poetry
Simp

Best Burn
Tony telling us bought Brandon/Monsuer

Quote of the year
"Some one buy Jewel a forman Grill, it couldn't hurt."

hehe

you totally jobbed that buttmaster/foreign dude for "most annoying"

he was really annoying but he was only here like a month. wait i dont know what that means

No love for Swami? monsieur? His Excellency or Rommel?

This is some good stuff.
Fall over laugh till piss runs down pants.

Those were good, too. I should have called it "half year" since I've only been active that long, and Outsider predated me. Christ, I've posted almost 700 times in a half year, despite frequent absences.

There were a lot of good contestants, though I admit that I focused on what is current. It's like the Oscars in that way, and they probably make them up as they go along too.

I forgot one, though:

The Shoot Me Before I Become This Sad Award:
The ADT Porn Fan Playdate at the AVN Awards

Worst plastic surgery job award

Tie between wankus and teegan .

Arab not only are you funny but you know how to use bold *swoon*

Not just bold, baby, but italics too. I don't even have to click the Instant UBB Code--I got it memorized like that. Smooth. And I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue, juggle, and create artwork out of broken hubcaps and macaroni. I'm a renaissance man.

Totally unrelated to this, but you know who I met? Jacqueline Kim. Who's that? The notorious yuppie scum that wrote this missive. If she was anything to look at then, the years have not been kind to her.

Do women really talk like this?

smiling arab = smelly monkey

Great post monkey arab. I love how im every poster here, well im just glad im not jrv, gen or steph otherwise i would have to kill myself but trying to stop a bus with my body.

Well I didn't make the list, but after reading the categories and the winners I wholeheartedly agree with the Arab's panel of Judges. Besides I haven't been here that long, contribute nothing to the board, and am prone to post when intoxicated. On the bright side, I have a goal now for next year other than quitting cigarettes.

I especially liked this category:
" Best Forum
The Monkey Cage. This is the place, this is the site."

You know, It took the Monkey to start this forum but really it's all the people that post here that make it what it is. I think it would be a lot of fun if we all met at the AVN show in Vegas and had drinks and cocktail franks and just talked about old and good times. What do ya'll think?

monkey didn't start this forum. tony mallice and jeff did to keep the monkey under lock key.

Quote:

---

You know, It took the Monkey to start this forum but really it's all the people that post here that make it what it is.?

---

I 100% agree, its the uders that make the board what it is, a monkey doesn't make the man, its the men who make the cage or something

Quote:

---

tony mallice and jeff did to keep the monkey under lock key.

---

If you think so Kip. Fact of the matter is only two people know the real reason and your not one of them, chickenmaster post under your real handle, you are fooling no one.

ok, so i rarely check the rest of the board since most of the posts are people saying "keen! i can't wait to buy this!" or "i've jerked off 6 times to you before lunch". there's adt for that folks.

but today i realized that what i thought was dozens of fanboys prone to expressing admiration through detailing the frequent voluminous loads they popped to a scene/performer turned out to just be bjfan1127. he's the guy who believes in santa and says stuff like
Nobody's critiqued my dick in comparison. I say me and smartt have a jerk off contest to see who can fire the most cum. Ha Ha!!! A joust maybe??

As Zell Miller said "I challenge you to a duel!!!

and

As you can tell by my pic...I LOVE to jack for and with my fellow female masterbater's on webcams online...espicially since I broke up with my girlfriend.

However, it seems like, since hearme.com went belly up, there are no good adult webcam communities to jack to???

I have tried paltalk(which sucks), eyeball chat(sucks), and some others.

any help guys and girls???

Ok guys....here's my thought: Have a girl get bukkaked as usual....but instead of using the flask under her chin to drink at the end.....have her start to chew bubble gum.

Then, have her mix the gum with the cum in her mouth. Then when she blows a big bubble....have her pop the bubble...and watch it splatter all over her face.

Eh??
Is there A BAA (bukkake addicts anonymous. I think I need help. I have a passion for seeing pretty girls get doused with cum by 50 + men.

God help me.


there needs to be an award for "making jamesn feel dirty and creeped out"

Who is in charge of new smileys? We (I) need a smiley of the yellow dude banging his head into a brick wall.

I'm tired of ttboy, really I am.

Quote:

---

Ok guys....here's my thought: Have a girl get bukkaked as usual....but instead of using the flask under her chin to drink at the end.....have her start to chew bubble gum.

Then, have her mix the gum with the cum in her mouth. Then when she blows a big bubble....have her pop the bubble...and watch it splatter all over her face.

---

50/50 jeff uses this.

Quote:

---

I'm tired of ttboy, really I am.

---

the porn star or the poster?

dude, search for all of his posts-it's a bonanza of latent homosexuality! you'll laugh! you'll cry! you'll drive around shitfaced with a baseball bat looking for men holding hands!

Kill's top 2004 xxxpt list
best poster: piotr
most misunderstood: his excellency
gayest: gayoto
best porn star: nicole_brazzle, ya'll
best forum: the shit list
worst poster: wankus
biggest ass-kisser on the board: smiling arab
most despised: prolly me cuz I hate tt boy.
best quote: james "fuckie dynamite" n
most missed: sammura
best cage knifefight: Garfield vs. gayoto
best thread: monsieur exposed

p.s. yes monkey only 2 people know the real reason why you got thrown in the cage & you're not one of em becauze
they be Tony Mallice & Jeff.

Best I could do.

i hope kyoto straps you down, cuts your chest-cavity open and lets a bunch of starving tarantulas go before he leaves.

is your name like the wisky? this kid in my neigborhood about 7 i guess cut open a bullfrog but it was still laive and he put it on an ant pile, i went to talk to his parents about supervising him (and his 3 year old sister who ran wild in the streets) and then he came over and peed on my house. and i was to scared of him to say anything haha afraid of a 7 year old!

anyway i watched in glee as the parents cars got repoed and they dodged rent by sneaking away in the night.I used to fuck the guy that lived there before them.

hi, i'm bjfan. i enjoy posting pictures of my dick in the same thread as smartt while challenging him to some kind of gay-off.

i came here because i'm too ugly for the gay community to accept as their own

nah, i'm just not creative enough to come up with a better name. that kid is headed for america's most wanted, but peeing on houses rules.

Quote:

---

is your name like the wisky? this kid in my neigborhood about 7 i guess cut open a bullfrog but it was still laive and he put it on an ant pile, i went to talk to his parents about supervising him (and his 3 year old sister who ran wild in the streets) and then he came over and peed on my house. and i was to scared of him to say anything haha afraid of a 7 year old!

anyway i watched in glee as the parents cars got repoed and they dodged rent by sneaking away in the night.I used to fuck the guy that lived there before them.

---

I am lukeford award: jamesn
fraud award: barfield (hon. mention to brazzlepuss)
best picture thread: fuckable brazillian babes (hon. mention:crazy pics)
most aliases award: smell-san
most potentially 'knocked one out' to award: christina
most entertaining board hands down 2004 goes to: the cage...

My God, what the fuck happened to this thread? The hate was so focused before.

killttboy: accusing me of being Smelly Monkey is so June 2004. Fact is that I happen to know Monkey's real identity, it's no big secret. Actually, he's told you all before but you weren't listening.

Bornyo, no disrespect intended. You rock on this board, but quite honestly I made up the categories with the sole intention of creating a post where I could point out how much the dude posting as "Slut Wife" creeps me out. We already went through the magically disappearing (and reappearing) tattoo on her ass, it's somewhere in the archives. Then I was pretty sure I saw one of those pics on an amateur chick's site. Dunno. Maybe it'll be fun in 2005.

I'd create a new thread for this, but I'm too drunk and I fear my motor skills are going too render me incapable of taking my shoes off in about 7 minutes, so I won't chance it. Anyway, I was at a faux dive called the Underground Wonder Bar tonight, it's freezing fucking balls in Chicago and it's a decent place to go with an out-of-towner without getting third degree frostbite in the four minutes it takes to get to the place. One of those "character" places where they spray on the filth from an aerosol can.

Anyway, it was pretty dead, so between sets I'd look up at the TV, which was playing Howard Stern. They had some "Pornstar Olympics," and it's sad but I knew two out of the three girls in it. One was ADT's own Selena Silver.

If everyone is a goddamned snowflake and we all get one wish on Christmas and if we hold our breath and wait for the shrooms to start coming on so we believe all of these lies are true, that all of life isn't a lie and a cruel game set up to toy with us, just like the balding sherriff from Hal Hartley's Simple Men once said--if I had that wish for 2005, I would wish for Selena to get the fuck away from Clark Kent or Kent Clark or whatever that scuzzy looking suitcase pimp she's always with calls himself. They turned up the sound and though I couldn't really follow it, she didn't want to be in some kind of gross Sternesque pornstar competition (I think it was drinking until they pee or something). Selena refused and said that her "company" wouldn't let her. Someone came in and said, "Well, your company is in the Green Room and they said it's all right."

The cameras follow her into the Green Room and who is her "company"? That's right, that fat piece of shit dressed like a cut-rate accountant, just like in that picture from the convention where he was sweating so much that his button-up shirt was pasted on to him like sportsbra on a bulldyke at Sturgis. Her pimp mumbled something, then she went back and everything was okay. How fucking wonderful!

The funny thing is that she actually doesn't sound like a complete retard (which the other two girls did), even if she doesn't write a letter of those 10,000 word manifestos posted on ADT in her name. I won't ruminate on the tortured "whys" and "how-comes," because we all know why and how-come. It's just sad that she thinks so little of herself that she lets this bloated bobblehead and future MLM salesman-in-waiting ride her g-string, and no doubt sweep up the dollar bills after she humps a pole (or, like the ever-classy Evan Seinfeld, hire some underling to sweep up the dollar bills.)

And... I lost what the fuck I was talking about. Anyway, yeah. That.

Holy mother of all creatures great and small! Fuck you James, Fuck you, Fuck you!

Monkey, Kami, someone with mod powers, I demand that someone PM Tony Malice and demand that this thread be crushed, smashed, deleted, lifted out of the stream of history and poured in to the fucking ether. Ban every single person that posted to it and don't ever let them back in.

Quote:

---

The scuzzy guy typing with one hand under the handle "Slut Wife."

---

LOL I thought I was the only guy thinking that.

Yup, dirt worshipping heathens love them some pita bread and olives and too many clothes in warm climates

I got lost in all this.
OK Smilingarab got drunk and posted a thought that got a little side tracked.
But he and Zen agree Slut Wife is a demented masterbaholic. I got to agree with this one.
And now we are discussing Pita bread and Cleet makes a sandwich
It's going to be a strange New Year, I can just tell.

Masterbaholic . . . . great word!!!!