This is some funny shihad. Evan is the ulitimate suit case pimp and wannabe bad ass. Read this shit its funny.
Went to the Van Nuys Spearmint Rhino to see Tera Patrick feature on Friday night. Evan Seinfeld had assured me that I would be on her list, so I sailed in with a confident air and wound up in the middle of a gaggle of ten giggling twentysomething women who gigglingly forked out their $25 per to get an up-close and personal look at female anatomy.
I found Tera in one of the alcoves, meeting a long line of fans who were buying DVDs, posters and pictures and posing for Polaroids with the her. I chatted with Evan while we waited for the line to abate. When two women, posing for a picture, grab her breasts, the man in line take notice, until Evan tells them that only the females can do that.
I finally got a chance to sit down and talk with her in the alcove. "This is a great club. Intimate." She mentioned some other performers who had been at her just-completed performance (my often-erring sense of timing strikes again) and then spoke of going to Australia for Sexpo. While she was there, she featured at a venue in front of 8,000 people. "Evan told me he played the same hall [with his band Biohazard] for only 5,000 people," she added with a grin. "I love strip clubs. I can work 'em."
Tera was working with Paul Thomas earlier this week, and she’ll be leaving L.A. for a vacation on Florida before Las Vegas in January, where she'll be signing at the Vivid booth.
She told me about her new video, Reign of Tera, which is being prepared for a January release. It's a two-disc set, and they had trouble with the original cover because it was "too ethnic," looking like an Asian-themed video. The trailer is available at the video's website, reignoftera.com.
The fans started to gather again for pictures and autographs, so I left her to them and went to the stage for a ringside seat for her next performance. Yeah, right. There weren't any. Okay, maybe a chair. No. I find some wall to lean on.
The lights dim, and a club employee polishes the floor and the brass pole in the traditional preparation for the feature. I don't think that the floor and the pole need sanitizing, it's just part of the ritual. The lights come up, the music starts pumping, and the stentorian-voiced dj gives Tera a lengthy introduction, as if she has to be introduced to several hundred people who ponied up $25 apiece to see her. More of the ritual, I guess.
The curtain parts, and Tera takes the stage, wearing a prim white nurse's hat, a less-prim white shirt that doesn't reach to the bottom of her ribcage, and a tiny white skirt that, uh, gives her a lot of freedom of movement She goes over to a guy ringside, her head dips below the rail, she come up with a bill in her teeth. Twenty guys ringside wish they had thought of that. She tosses the hat aside, drops the skirt, showing white bikini panties.
The stage is littered with bills. People run up, throw them on the stage, run back. Off goes the shirt, revealing a white bra, and not one of those lacy Victoria's Secret showgirl numbers, either. Standing, leaning against the brass pole, she plays with the bra straps. The crowd goes quiet. She waves her hands to solicit applause, and gets it, loud, raucous, excited. They obliged her, now she obliges them. The bra comes off, the crowd goes wild. She struts upstage, plays with the panties. She teases, the crowd roars. She turns her back to the crowd, feet apart, bends over, pulls the panties down. A remix version of Tainted Love can be heard, barely, under the cheering. Now nude, she crawls across the stage. This is what they came for, and she gives it to them.
A satchel full of posters has appeared on stage, and she takes a rolled poster and tucks it between her legs. She duck-walks around the stage with this odd paper phallus protruding front and rear as the ringsiders, now on their feet, plead for the poster, which she takes to her mouth, kisses, and tosses carelessly into the crowd. She goes back, takes a rolled 8x10, puts one end in her mouth, walks over to a guy and pushes the other end to his open mouth. She goes back to the satchel, grabs a DVD. The crowd goes wild. She's selling these things for $30 at the alcove, and here's one for the taking, if her aim is good. She tosses one to the left side of the stage, one to the right, one into the distance, and follows it up with 8x10s, flipping them into the air one-by-one like oversized confetti, and then it's over.
An assistant sweeps up the money from the stage (more efficient than picking up the cash one piece at a time) as Tera walks around the ringside, individually thanking each patron. When Tera leaves the stage, the crowd evaporates, either to the autograph line or to the door. The supercharged atmosphere that was here just a minute ago dissipates, and the place goes back to normal, with the dj announcing four-for-one dances as the house girls strut the stage, then head into the crowd to get some work of their own.
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