Well i think the monkey's influence on fayner is starting to come to through on lukeford now, heres his awards break down

THE "I'M THE HOTTEST SLUT IN PORNO" AWARD: Tie between Monica Sweetheart and Monique Alexander. Many come close, but these two boil the stew in my sac every time.

THE "POUR ACID ON MY FACE AND IT'S AN IMPROVEMENT" AWARD: Brijaye Love. No one should be this ugly

THE "TALKIN' LOUD AIN'T SAYING NUTHIN' PORN CHICK" AWARD: Mary Carey. Although we've again made peace, the fact still remains that Mary has a habit of yapping for hours about nothing...I mean herself.

THE "NEWEST PORNO COMPANY THAT BEGINS WITH 'V'" AWARD: Vertigo

THE "TONY TESTA MOST NARCOTICS CONSUMED" AWARD: Fayner. I'm sure it's not true but does anyone really want to know which people do more drugs than me and Tony? It's a long list, too long to jot down.

THE "BEST DRUG DEALER" AWARD: I won't say his name, but his phone number is 818-455-7770

THE "WORST DRUG DEALER" AWARD: Dr. Rigg. This dastardly doctor caters to rock stars and porno stars alike, was even spoofed in the Jane's Addiction movie The Gift, and has a injurious practice of basically writing scripts to anyone who can pronounce the drug they're trying to get. Soma, Vics, Xanax whatever you want, which I guess is rad if you're into pills, but add to them a 19 year old chick with a new cocaine dependency and not enough smarts to juggle the combination of uppers and downers and you got yourself a hot slut O.D.ing on your bathroom floor, which I'm assuming no one really wants.

THE "FRIENDLIEST CONTRACT STARS" AWARD: Wicked Pictures. Devinn, Sydnee, jessica, Stormy, Kaylani and Julia are all cheery and responsible gals that appreciate they're fans, and more importantly, they all tolerate my special brand of reporting (ie: boob grabbing, basically a coarse intrusion into their personal space without raising a fist. God bless.


THE "BEST THING ABOUT AVN" AWARD: Dan Miller. A little guy who's built like a Mr. Universe competitor, Dan has an astonishing quality pretty much obsolete in this town...he listens when being talked to, even while conversing with the likes of me and my lunacy. That's noble, and the sure sign of a good person. Plus, anyone who sits next to me at a bar as I snort a huge line of salt followed by a great deal of agony with screaming and weeping and still is willing to be my friend is worthy of this huge honor.

THE "WORST THING ABOUT AVN" AWARD: My attempts to secure a spot as a presenter at the AVN Awards next month was nixed, pretty much laughed at, leaving me sad and angry and unwanted. Bummer. Guess I'll have to get on stage as an unscheduled participant to protest my angst.

THE "PORN CHICK THAT PARTIES LIKE A ROCK STAR" AWARD: Vivid's Tawny Roberts. Hazy recollection from last year's Vegas convention, the first night, 'bout 4 in the morning, as sexy Tawny chugged Captain Morgan rum from the bottle with no regard for sobriety. I remember saying to her, "don't you have to sign in the morning? Aren't you worried you'll look like crap?" to which she replied, "I'm a fucking rock star!" True to her word, Tawny made it to work on time and looking fresh and rested with no indication she'd been contaminated hours before with whatever people contaminate themselves with in Vegas. Tawny rocks.


THE "PORN CHICK THAT DOESN'T PARTY LIKE A ROCK STAR DESPITE INFORMING ME SHE DOES" AWARD: Digital Playground's Jesse Jane, who informed me at the Barrett Blade/Kirsten Price wedding that she parties like a "rock star," but was sleeping by two in the morning. In Vegas, even. That ain't kosher

THE "DIRECTOR THAT SHOULDN'T BE MAKING PORN" AWARD: Thomas Zupko. His past work like The Opera and Days Of Whore go unappreciated by people that watch porno. Zupko deserves better, could really do some great stuff if he was given a mainstream deal. It's sad that a brilliant picture about a junkie opera singer was ruined with the addition of people fucking for most of the time.

THE "DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M GONNA SHOW UP ON SET?" AWARD: There was a time when Ariana Jollee was the go-to whore. reliable and professional. That time is gone.


THE "TAYLOR RAIN FLAKED ON EVERY DAMN DIRECTOR BUT ME" AWARD: This honor goes to Skeeter Kerkove, who somehow manages to get the super-flake to the set on time, every time. His success in this rare occurrence remains an ancient Chinese secret Skeeter ain't sharing.

THE "I DIDN'T THINK I'D LIKE HER BUT SHE'S COOL AS SHIT" AWARD: Tie: Jesse Jane and Janine. There was no reason for my belief I'd bang heads with these foxes, but I was thoroughly impressed by their humor and openness, and I now believe I'd be willing to penetrate both chicks if they asked, or if they passed out.


THE "STARFUCKER" AWARD: Tie: Jesse Jane/Tommy Lee, Taylor Rain/Lloyd Banks. Tommy was a grade-A rock star in the times of yore, and Lloyd Banks is a nobody who knows flavor of the week 50 Cent, but somehow they're still pounding young porno sluts just because they're famous people.

THE "WE WERE DOOMED FROM THE START" AWARD: This trophy goes to them silly kids Scott Fayner and Taylor Rain and their silly period of believing they belonged together. Two dangerous addicts should never get together under any circumstance.

THE "I'VE BEEN TO HELL AND BACK AND I'VE GOTTEN MY SHIT TOGETHER" AWARD: My hat is tipped to the amazing Briana Banks, written off by some as a once awesome talent who succumbed to the evils of crack only to eventually regain her strength and trounce the naughty dependency once and for all, which now bestows on us once again Briana at the top of her game, looking fantastic with a new lease on life and new boobies. Anyone who finds victory in the battle against drugs should be proud. I think Marci Hirsch said it best when she said, "I love Briana!" Okay, maybe that wasn't saying it best, but I agree with her. Crack is whack.


THE "PLACE TO BOOK YOUR SLUTS" AWARD: Direct Models has the premiere stable of semen-swallowing sluts for your semen-swallowing slut needs. That is all.

THE "DESTINED TO BE A STAR!" AWARD: I give this distinction to Nadia Styles. She's a killer performer with killer looks and a killer body and a killer mouth for dishing out oral bliss. Nadia's also a cool gal, a rarity for chicks with the above characteristics.

THE "I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU AND LIVING IN SHITTY HOLLYWOOD BUT NOW I GOT ME A BIG-ASS HOUSE" AWARD: Somehow, while we weren't looking, Kick Ass owner Mark Kulkis climbed a few rungs up the ladder of success and distanced himself from the lowly punks like me by movin' on up to a sweet house in the SilverLake hills after making popular niche porn like the Chica Boom and 5 Guy Cream Pie series'. I'm happy for him, sure, but his bad-ass pool is one of them privileged-people only deals which has the water on the same level as the deck, and I'm planning a stealth mission one of these days to his residence to remind him of his roots as a got-nothing scumbag with a good old-fashioned load in the pool. He'll think twice before ever being successful again after my contaminated cum trickles into his heated pool.

THE "I'M GONNA FORCE YOU TO LOOK AT PICTURES OF A FAT NAKED JEW WRAPPED IN PLASTIC 'CAUSE I CAN" AWARD: Why Wanker Wang felt posting pictures of his fat naked minion engaged in compromising positions and doused with condiments and oatmeal was appropriate for anyone capable of using their eyes is a mystery to me. I won't ask. I'm glad it's ceased.

WTF, is he trying to get out of the biz altogether? Is there anyone left to offend? At least in the following week while their attention span lasts the people in the industry will ignore him and he will be forced to write about the industry ignoring him for some reason and the various pets of porn stars he hasn't already covered.

I thought it was funny as shit