She wants to make her excess baggage proud!

She writes 11/20/04 on ADT about her ex-boyfriend who killed himself a couple of weeks ago:

thanks you guys it really does mean a lot! in the past two weeks i have gone through a journey that is hard to put to words... all i know is that i have seen the darkest and i am ready to see the light. i have had my nervous breakdown and reached the lowest i will ever allow myself to be. there is a reason why he took his life... he wanted me to do my best to suceed in porn even though he could not live here on earth to see it. i can't let myself go to waste. he didn't want to keep me from this anymore than he already had. i hate that he could not be okay with it but i except why he wasn't... he wanted me to be only his. i now know what i need to do...he did not die for nothing. i will do my best in every scene i shoot in hopes that i can fulfill my dreams... just like he wanted me to do. i shot my first b/g scene back with digital playground today and it was amazing. i felt like i was on a whole new level of performing, a new energy i had waiting inside...ready to erupt and boy did it! i feel revitalized and ready to make him proud.