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In the Name of Allah, the merciful and compassionate

You Conservatives only help our cause. On the day after the election, The Al-Qaeda Main Office received 75,000 faxes asking about openings for Junior and Senior Level Terrorist. Not a bad position, actually. We offer 401k Plan too.

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Actually Osama, I have been considering applying for one of your Holy Martyr positions and would appreciate some more information. The benefits, especially the "seventy virgins in paradise" termination package, piqued my interest. I have a few questions:

1.) Does accidentally blowing yourself up still count as martyrdom?
2.) Do I get to select the virgins myself?
3.) Am I free to use them however I want? (I hope virgin ATOGM isn't frowned upon by Allah.)
4.) Do I get a new supply of virgins once the original seventy are used up?