Ultimate Asses – Platinum X
Directed by Michael Stefano
Starring Austin O'Riley, Carmen, Jada, Ebony Green, Velvet Rose

Well, I don’t know if it’s fair to call it Ultimate Asses if you’re not going to include Marisa Tomei, that Russian chick I used to see on the number 47 bus, and Miss Haynes, my 4th grade teacher, but the asses on display here are most definitely of superior quality.

The premise here is wonderfully simple- only the chicks with the meatiest, roundest asses need apply. Ok, good. Now bend over and spread ‘em, so we can see what you had for lunch. Right on, now jiggle that thing, I wanna see if anything falls out. Now, tell me you really want me to shove my flashlight sized cock halfway up your lower intestinal tract. Well, ok, since you asked…

The highlight, by far, is Austin O'Riley , who is probably the hottest girl I ever seen, never mind the hottest porn star. Not only does she have Mariah Carey’s face, she’s got a body that has probably killed before, and will most likely kill again. And here’s the really amazing part- while her waist and belly remains tight and trim as ever, her ass actually gets bigger with each subsequent film she does. How does that even work? Is she getting fat injected into her cheeks? Is it black magic? Is there something you can eat- some kinda crazy porn star oatmeal, or something- that goes straight to your ass? However she’s doing it, it’s working, and her scene is hotter than the sun, except for two minor details. First off all, the dude tries to get her to lick his asshole at one point, and she refuses. Meanwhile, he’s popping his dick out of her tortured rectum and into her mouth every two minutes, so what’s the difference? Frankly, Austin, I thught that was a bit rude. Oh yeah, and what’s with the guy choking her all the time? Is he practicing for a snuff film? Well rehearse with somebody else’s neck, brother. This one I wanna keep alive.

Elsewhere, Superchica covergirl Carmen shows off her amazing twin globes in a bitchin’ pair of assless pink latex tights – she takes on two (or three- I forget) guys, but her shakin’ the money maker routine beforehand is so smoking that I’m already finished and napping on the couch before any of the guys even show up. Velvet Rose, Jada, and Ebony Green are all tasty chunks of sweet dark chocolate who take deep anal bonings, too. The photography is great throughout, and there are very few scenes in the entire DVD where you are not getting a full rearview angle of the action. This doesn’t happen very often, but Ultimate Asses really does live up to it’s title.

Michael Stefano, you are an evil genius, and I salute you. This one took me forever to get through, for all the right reasons. If you’re an ass man- and that’s what, 2 and a half billion of ya? Then run, don’t walk, to the nearest house of smut, and pick this one up. Then break up with that uptight girlfriend of yours, cuz you don’t even need her anymore. As the death metal kids are wont to say when they get all amped-up over some Norwegian Satanic thrash band, Full Fuckin' Horns !