I don't know what this means.

I'm a voyeur. Even in real life. I've pretty much retired from relationships. I interact, but not fully. I don't think I will ever fully interact again. That part of me died long, long ago.

Long before either of THE Twins was born. I no longer open my heart. It's been closed from April 1981. No surprise then that this is when I stopped caring about my weight, etc.

I've had sex upon occasion since. Almost always with inexorable lust from the female involved.

Mostly I relive relationships lost and relationships squandered.

So, if I'm watching a Courtney Simpson or Leah Wilde clip, I'm thinking of the girl I lost in 1981.

Sometimes its of girls I decided to ignore since and now rue the lost opportunity. Thus, if I'm thinking about a young architect who kept asking me about porn in 2003, I would watch a Jana Helusova clip or Kate Lynn of SpunkMouth since in their own way each resembles her somewhat.

Much as both Lexi Belle and Marie McCray both represent a young lady who like me very much, but was afraid of my darker side. She'd seen me hurt too many townies and the delight it gave me to get away with breaking their bones and hurting their pride. 1982 and 83 were rough like that. While I killed my heart and fully eliminated my overt physical need for another.

Likely why younger women appeal to me more. That's how they were in my world when I departed.

There are other reasons, too, of course. Name the girl, for me there's always a reason. An analog.