you gotta love god for bi polarity.i had a little relapse sadness earlier and after sobbing while eating dinner i popped an extra zoloft.which im really glad i did,because now i dont feel like sitting in my room in the dark.

all the mixed signals and stuff she did to make me feel like more than just a patient and then all the stuff shed do to make the previous stuff seems like that was just a temporary thing.if i could only remember all the stuff shed either say or write me that was inappropriate but even with the stuff i do remember i could have her job.part of me thinks she doesnt deserve it and the other part doesnt think she deserves to play god in peoples lives at all.

i think ive mentioned most of the noteable emails and quotes in this thread.things like "ive noticed you like honey bunches of oats alot,thats my favorite cereal too ."obviously insinuating wed be sharing breakfast in the future."frankie im telling you,if you win that money text me." "give nina and cage a kiss for me."thatll be really great.... when you set up your voice mail ." "make sure you call me when you get your car frankie."

its obvious we had a mutual attraction and feelings for each other but what happened?what she was doing to me making me go up and down emotionally was obvious.all i did was tell her about everything and then she never speaks to me again.what the hell is that?i dont deserve any kind of fucking explanation at all?i think i deserved more time and respect than any of these so called men that have used her and continue to do so.my appointments were only supposed to be 45 minutes but countless times id be in there an hour and 45 mins or even two hours.

maybe i shouldve stopped taking the milligram of risperdal to lose weight faster and put my jeans back on."frankie youre in for some really good things went you get those jeans back on," which she told me numerous times.or i shouldve just given in like i did after not being her patient and had them let out those last two inches.sorry for coming in wearing 20 dollar sweats that look better than most peoples pants,but i didnt want to get comfortable in bigger jeans and just say fuck it.dont try to pull some bullshit like "how the fuck am i supposed to unzip those?"they couldve been slipped down or you couldve kneaded my dick through the front of my pants(which honestly is extremely hot).

nothing even works out with bitches.you can do every last fucking thing they want and it doesnt matter."what is loving too much?". "i dont know.what do you mean.",said frankie."what if i tied your shoes every time i saw you?". "maybe youre really into shoes?" *both laugh and smile* how do you go from that to seconds later telling someone that youre there for them every week they come in?she didnt use the word care,she said loving.that fucking time i even came in an extra week when we were starting that book.why?was that just to make her some extra money to go fly out to some dickhead from the internet?if she goes out and has sex with all sorts of different men concurrently why the mixed signals and the game playing?she goes to orgies with some dickhead,then why try to have a younger boyfriend who you know is bi polar and youll get tired of?why abandon someone when its so obvious that they needed you in their life and meant something to them?

what was the whole thing with us getting together with dr nick?wasnt it obvious i had feelings for you already?do you think by my reaction i was going to be okay with you sucking my dick while he fucked you?if i didnt care about you,then id have been fine with it like your buddy tim.if you know none of your relationships are gonna last,then why would you come in sad and talk about "your close friend" saying that its part of the process.shit you couldve taken my pants down any time and we couldve really gotten to the bottom of the process.i swear i smelled you open a condom one time when i was in the lobby(i have a good sense of smell,i smell what my neighbors cook all the time) and saying i dont think i can do this with his mom waiting in the car.fuck youve done that whole manhandling my arms and shoulder shit infront of her.why not do it when she wasnt giving me rides anymore? "you drive!!!?",all excited she said."well yeah.",as she shrugs like it means anything due to being dissapointed by all the let downs.what was with telling me to leave the plastic water cup on the table when i saw the basket right under it?were you going to drink out of it?or take it home and pee in it?you couldve asked me to pound off into the fucking thing and have you drink it if you wanted.

i guess ill never have the answers to any of these questions.also with the dr nick thing.this wouldve been like if i was straight with you about wanting to direct porn in the past."i think itd be neat if you and i booked sienna west for a dinner date."im sure youdve been thrilled. :P