1.Brushes his teeth three times or more per day

Bah. Once is enough.

2. Is enrolled in or has already completed a graduate program

Bah. School is for fools.

3. Works out regularly

Bah.

4. Is at least 5'11" and weighs at least 180lbs

Bah.

5. Speaks more than one language

That I do.

6. Doesn't have coarse or thick hair

Where?

7. Doesn't eat junk food

Junk food is LIFE.

8. Owns more than 5 nice suits

Suits? What for, biatch?

9. Wear button downs and cufflinks to night clubs

Bah.

10. Gets along with his mother

Can´t. Mama´s DEAD, biatch.

11. Knows how to read music

Bah. Reading music is for fags like Kenny G.

12. Is good at math

What for? That´s what calculators are for, biatch.

13. Cares about politics

My only political goal is to see George Bush getting shot.

14. Drives a car that is very nice AND is within his budget

I don´t drive a car, biatch.

15. Has a budget and stays within it

Nah. I overspend. It´s MY money, biatch, not yours.

16. Has a great sense of style

Bah. Style is for queers.

17. Can pick-out really hot clothing for his female friends

Oh yeah. Really hot g-strings made of nothing.

18. Eats vegetables

Bah.

19. Is not homophobic

Homos are gay.

20. Is true to his faith or else admits that he has none

I believe in ME, biatch.

21. Looks up to his father

That I do.

22. Knows his way around NYC

I don´t even want to GO to NYC, biatch.

23. Ties his own ties

Ties are for fags.

24. Is invited to lots of dinner parties

Free food is always cool.

25. Can at least cook breakfast

No, I can´t.

26. Is athletic with great coordination

Bah.

27. Is an asshole with quick wit

That I am.

28. Makes the first move

That I do. I open the pocket, show you my money, and you bend over and get it up the ass, biatch.

29. Doesn't automatically do what he's told

Nobody tells me what to do, biatch.

30. Is very classy and distinguished in public
...but knows when to whoop ass.

Classy and distinguishment is for queers. I kick ass all the way, biatch.