Why doesn't Chuck Schumer look through his glasses?

Answer: He is afraid the lenses might be progressive.

A snake walks into a bar. Bartender says "How did you do that"?

A Mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "Uno, dos..." and, poof... he disappears without a tres.

Why can you never trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

Jose went to his first baseball game after coming to American and had a seat behind a pillar. He was happy though because everyone sang to him: "oh Jose can you see?"

Do you know Mexican judo? Judo know I gotta a knife? Judo know I gotta gun?

The point is to make people groan, son, not to make 'em think you're six.

I hope you realize I've literally heard the same joke you told from a little kid.

Hmmmm... First you tell an unlikely story about hookers. Then you tell an even less likely story about hot college broads who sell vacuums door to door. Yet, for those very reasons, I actually believe you spend an inordinate and inappropriate amount of time around little kids. Why is that?

It must be all the time I spent hanging out with John Podesta

More likely it's because you're a pederast John.

I don't need to take this shit from you. I have my box I can crawl into.

It took you two days to realize you were out, I figure it'll take just as long to find your way back.

Groooooaaaaannnnnnn^

I just read a story about Oedipus and Midas.

It was Motherfucking Gold.

what do you call the germs in your bong?


Bake-teria!

What did Nichole Brown Simpson say when Ron Goldman offered to eat her pussy?

"Sure, but the juice might kill you"

Now that's funny!

A young fellow was getting ready for the prom. He went to rent a limo, and there was a line. So he waited...waited...waited in line then it was his turn and he got the limo. He went to the tailors to rent a tux, and there was a line. So, he waited...waited ....waited in line until he finally got a tux. Then he went to the florist to get flowers for his girl, but there was a line, so he waited...waited...waited in line until it was his turn.

Having everything, they went to the prom and the date sent him for some punch. And guess what...no punch line.

the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store. Granny points to a tray of rubies.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Dad: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

All those girls who got molested are suffering from Epstein Barr syndrome

Guy in Bar: Hey babe, how many planets are there?

Babe: I don't know, 7 or 8?

GIB: Well, there'll be one less tonight after I destroy Uranus