Christmas is coming up and we still haven't gotten the Food Basics v. Stop 'n Shop downmarket discount store-brand frozen pizza showdown. Is my family going to have to settle for goose again this year?

Oh, who am I kidding? I don't have a family, and I'm not going to have a Christmas dinner. On the 25th I expect to be completely stoned and humping away on a $5 prostitute in Siem Reap.