In a world where sex loudly has its say, sex addiction is surprisingly silent, especially when it comes to women.
The term sex addict usually conjures images of promiscuous and sensational sex, in which the person (most often a man) just can't help himself. Although out of control, the addiction somehow seems provocative because it's all about sex. But there is nothing sexy about sex addiction.
A former patient of mine was accused of being a sex addict by her boyfriend after she cheated on him. In reality, she was unhappy with her relationship and sought comfort with someone else. But her boyfriend's accusation brings up an interesting question: Does wanting lots of sex or cheating on your significant other make you a sex addict?
The answer is no. A large appetite for sex, or high desire for healthy fantasy or kinkiness does not a sex addict make. Sex addiction is measured not by what's done in (or out of) the bedroom, but by the harm it brings to the sex addict's life and self-esteem.
Once thought to be a man's "disease," sex addiction is estimated to affect 3 percent of women and 8 percent of men -- more than 15 million Americans in all. Men are more likely to fit the sex addiction stereotype of a string of one-night stands, excessive masturbation or overuse of pornography, all of which isolate them from others. Women go the opposite direction and tend to act out their sexual addiction within a relationship, or a series of relationships. Commonly referred to as "love" or "relationship" addiction, women who are sexually addicted are less often interested in sex than they are in the buzz of a new relationship and the attention it provides them.
So how can you distinguish someone who enjoys lots of sex from someone who is sexually addicted? Good questions to ask include: Is the behavior compulsive or out of the person's control? Is sex pursued in a way that compromises work, financial responsibilities and other relationships? Are there other addictions present? A woman with sexual addiction pursues sexual relationships relentlessly, and often has a trail of failed affairs that were abandoned when the thrill of newness wore off and intimacy got too close. Her desperation feeds a pattern in which guilt and shame intensify, in turn propelling her toward more compulsive sexual choices.
Both men and women who are sexually addicted use sex as a way of calming an inner storm of torment, usually the result of past abuse or neglect. As with drugs and alcohol, sex merely becomes a channel for escape from untended emotional turmoil -- the substance is less important than the feeling it creates.
Like trying to escape from quicksand, leaving sex addicts to struggle with their compulsive behavior only gets them in deeper. For a sex addict to achieve true intimacy, therapy is required. Getting to the root of sexual addiction is the key to successfully moving beyond this difficult illness.
For help with sexual addiction, contact Sexaholics Anonymous or Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, or visit a trained therapist.
Laura Berman, Ph.D., is a sex therapist and director of Chicago's Berman Center (www.bermancenter.com); (800) 709-4709. Have a topic you'd like to see addressed in a future column? E-mail
drberman@suntimes.com. 
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