Great American Fathers:

Ryan O'Neal: O'Neal beat the teeth out of son Griffin's head -- and that's not among his top three offenses (he shot at Griffin once, too). What puts O'Neal over the top are anecdotes like forcing daughter Tatum to snort cocaine so she'd lose weight. When a depressed Tatum tried to slit her wrists, he simply told her she'd cut the wrong way.

Byron Keith Perkins: Career criminal Perkins was granted temporary release from prison so he could donate a kidney to his son, Destin. Destin needed the transplant to save his life. Byron needed to skip the country and go to Puerto Vallarta.

Shawn Kemp: most famous from his NBA stint in Seattle, Sports Illustrated made him the poster child for deadbeat athlete dads. The Reign Man sired nine kids out of wedlock with seven different women.

Sam Grizzle: You might see poker pro Grizzle on shows like NBC's Poker After Dark, but you won't see the degenerate planning for his kid's future. Fellow pro Todd Brunson tells a story where a $20,000-in-debt Grizzle, with a newborn and facing eviction, begged Brunson for a loan so he could make money gambling to pay his bills. Miraculously, he did, winning $50K -- but then got drunk, went back to the tables and was broke 12 hours later.

Bing Crosby: Born in Tacoma, the crooner was among the first true multimedia stars in America. But his true calling was mental and physical cruelty, as son Gary revealed in his tell-all memoir "Going My Way." Gary was the lone surviving son -- Lindsay and Dennis, scarred by the old man, both shot themselves in the head.

Michael Jackson: If you didn't know about those persistent allegations of pedophilia, you'd think a man-child would make an OK dad. Toys! Games! A damn ranch with chimps! But then, you'd think a man-child would know better than to hang his infant son off of a balcony.

Marvin Gaye Sr.: It's all about making the effort. Marvin Jr. made the effort, reaching out to his dad by presenting him with a $1 million check (dad rebuffed him, implying singing pop music meant he'd lost his soul) and by dedicating songs to him (no reply). The only effort pops made was shooting Marvin Jr. to death, robbing him of life and robbing us all of years of makeout music.

Karl Malone: It's always worse with hypocrisy. Other NBA players leave the mailman in the dust, spreading-seed wise (he only has three kids out of wedlock, two the product of an extramarital affair). But he did knock up NFL prospect Demetrius Bell's mom when she was just 13, and Malone was a college sophomore. Malone has still never spoken with Bell.

Woody Allen: Describing his relationship to Soon-Yi, Allen has said: "It's got a more paternal feeling to it."

Joe Simpson: Dad to Jessica and Ashlee, showbiz dad Joe registers high on the creepy meter with these comments to Us Weekly. "Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"

(Thanks, internet, for the research.)