It was dark and I was alone. An air-conditioned chill was in the air. No food or drink. Lips dry and cracking. A numbness crept over my ass while the hours — both of them — ticked slowly by. Would I have to self-amputate my glutes in order to survive this ordeal? In my quest to see all 10 nominees for Best Picture, cheap Tuesday was dedicated to 127 HOURS.

I will give away the ending to this heroic tale by saying that I managed to survive. I dragged myself out of that theater under my own power wondering, like you, Am I a hero? Clearly, I am.

While I salute James Franco for his efforts, I nearly walked out when he was unable to find the power within to masturbate to the 36C tits of the young woman he videotaped. C’mon, Franco! Act like a man!! If I find myself on death’s doorstep, my arm trapped by a boulder, you better believe I am going to have one last happy ending.

In fact, I think I will go have one right now. I deserve it.