Coke, what is wrong/right about the following asset diversification scheme...what would you change/do different?

Real Estate - 28%
Stocks - 30%
Bonds (all types) - 12%
Precious Metals & Commodities - 18%
Cash - 12%


Also, help me solve the following problem: Pervert X goes to strip club where he is known and well liked as a regular, non-psycho normal pervert. He engages whore Y for several hours of time in a private quiet booth in the back for the sum of 400 bucks plus booze. Terms are struck for Pervert X to bring Whore Y back to his hotel room for the evening (say from 2 am until breakfast), and a flat rate of 1500 bucks for the entire time span is agreed upon. The variable here is the "tip", which Pervert X wants calculated according to the number of splooges Whore Y manages to cause him to attain....an extra 100 bucks per splooge, with a Bonus of 400 bucks if she manages to gobble 3 splooges. Whore Y however insists that, if her tip is to be based upon the loads she squeezes out of Pervert X, the higher she goes in the splooge department, the greater the tip she gets, which should escalate on something more than a straight/linear rate. she insists on a 10% of the total fee (1500) tip for each of the first 2 pops, 35% for 3 pops, and 50% for 4. She thinks highly of her oral skills so she feels justified in asking for this.

I'm seriously thinking of spiking her Chambord with 3 or 4 crushed Oxys so she just passes out and I can beat off on her at my leisure. Please help before I do something to get myself arrested.