Wow, and I thought BigSausagePizza was weird.

And no, I wouldn't do any of them. They're all a bit too thick, plus I must see the other end of a woman's alimentary tract before I make a decision. That probably explains why I'm still a virgin. ("Hi there! Before we date, could I inspect your anus, please? Oh, it's dirty and unshaven... Would you mind fixing that?")