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i was told today that everyone hates working with me. im probably going to quit porn.

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porn has really fucked a lot of people up, ncluding me. im constantly being fucked over no matter how professional, talented, punctual, nice, sober or well groomed i am. this business fulfills nothing in my life and has become soul sucking.

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nobody who is fucking on camera for a living should have to struggle to get by. it is apparent to me that those who do not favor me or flat out dislike me are keeping me from what i consider being successful in this business. dont get me wrong. i love performing. im really fucking good at what i do. what i am not given the opportunity to even come close to meeting my potential.
it saddens me that my mere expression of humanity is what ultimately will ruin me. being a real person is not conducive to pornography. and i feel that is very unfortunate.

when i started i hoped to change the perception of performers, showing that you can be smart and funny and filthy in have a good head on your shoulders. but after years of seeing this industry consistently reward the fakes, the ill-behaved, the inexperienced and the most exploitable (read:children) women... i see now that my efforts were for absolutely nothing.

im struggling with this. im sad. and that is real.

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what can i say? i must wear my heart on my sleeve because people instinctively know this is the thing that hurts me the most to hear. i dont like the idea of being disliked or the idea of disliking others myself. i know im not the most popular porn star, or the prettiest, or the youngest, or the most extraordinarily talented person in the business. but, god dammit, i try. and it sucks when you try to do a good job and people still put you down.

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