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I can't believe I'm doing this on a porn blog, but I dont know where else to go, because I can't get real responses from anyone.



real? here's real. the key on v-day is looking him in the eyes, telling him you were so lucky to find the three-hour extended cut of Twilight for the evening's viewing, and keeping a straight face. the moment his eyes start to look glassy and dead, you press a gun in his hand, tell him to walk out the front door and come back in 10, and you'll be in the bedroom, "waiting."

now, a lot of people are quick to dismiss gunplay - that it "crosses a line", but despite misconceptions, it can be wholesome fun, it can bring two people closer together, especially if it involves a video camera. intimacy comes in many forms, and nothing spells 'I Love You' like F-E-A-R, an aphrodisiac so powerful and so exceptional, it should be classified a narcotic- a schedule 1 controlled substance. just ask charlie sheen's wife. or tori amos- she's probably out there right now, prowling around, fiending.

all else fails, just grab a bottle of his favorite booze, pour the drinks, calmly tell him you "made reservations" and when he asks "where" you can casually point between your legs, tilting your head ever so slightly. he'll be so relieved that you aren't dragging him to the obligatory "dinner out"- that you aren't feeding his manhood, his soul, his every happy memory of early childhood right into an angry whirling Cuisinart, he may just "relieve" himself right there.

bottom line, shunning convention is the greatest gift you can give a man on this darkest of days. its really not that complicated.