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* killing someone. i mean that figuratively, of course. but speaking figuratively, literally killing someone. literally slicing open their veins and leaving them to bleed out on the street, figuratively. literally.

* invite luke ford out under the pretense of a kosher dinner. no way that sad sack says no. 25 minutes in, casually mention "if you have to go in one direction or the other, down is totally the way to go."

* find out where Darrah works.

* encourage jamesn to write a book. "Firearms, Pharmeceuticals, and You."

* make the sign of the cross more, for no reason whatsoever. like before shaking someone's hand, or entering a pin code.

* bring Monkey to reason that it's okay to love again. for love is to be played at maximum volume.

* feel the warmth of electro's chinchilla. leave her to awake in a puddle of regret. like an actual puddle, that she regrets.

* buy Lou a beer, and then another. then carpool drunk to Panzie's grandmother's funeral, and kiss her on the lips because "free at last, old dog. free at last." later, call 911 from inside Panzie's apartment, then try to suppress laughter while pointing as six plain clothed police run him down and put the net on him.

* mentor those whose skills at human interaction are so impoverished that they prefer to watch 128×128 videos for hours on end instead of engaging normally with other people. hi Mopez.

* overcome the thing about people watching me pee. right now it startles me so much it sets me back another five minutes.

* accept that sometimes god doesn't come through.

* think more about how challenging the world must be for little people. where everything's built too big, and you can't reach the freezer without standing on a chair. no designer makes skinny jeans for six year olds.

* start more conversations of fewer words.

* convince Fatman that the transformation from sick, filthy deviant to upstanding citizen starts with the simple cleansing of all downloaded porn from his harddrives. this will culminate in the total purification of his moral being. there’s a good person in him somewhere. but no one can tell.

* stop putting my wire in the company ports.

* respect the natural order of the universe. that means if i help prevent one suicide, i must assist in another.

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