Quote:

It's an easy equation.

The pain of Life outweighs the ability to endure it.



In a nutshell, you're right. I think about offing myself a lot. It's like I've said when I've opened up about it, I know what the barrel of my shotgun tastes like. To me, the fact that I haven't done it is more proof that I'm a failure, or that I'm so much of a coward that I can't even end the pain.

I doubt in your frien's case things were "not going well". For the most part, adults don't off themselves because of a setback or 2 in life. In most cases, it's a long time coming, but like you said, it comes as a big surprise to everyone. I know that for me when I tell people I have clinical depression, it comes as a surprise because I'm always laughing and joking. That's the mask I put on. Which just adds to the sense of failure. It's like a perpetual motion machine that I know is fucked up thinking, but at the same time I'm unable to stop.

Mourn your friend, but don't try to understand why he did what he did. He didn't isolate to make it easier on those that survive him. He did it to make it easier on him. He hated himself, which sounds easy enough to fix. But it's not. No matter how many peopler tell me they like me, that I'm a good person, that I'm a good dad, whatever, I still loathe myself. I know it's fucked up to think that way, but at this point I don't have a choice. Which just makes me hate myself more.

It's a shitty deal and I am sorry for your loss and confusion. But the fact is, he wasn't the person you thought you knew.

Barry
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Having killed someone doesn't make you a killer- @KINGROCHE