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#467755 - 12/26/09 07:44 PM
Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 11/27/07
Posts: 4795
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A friend of mine jumped from a building this past Sunday. It was a surprise to everyone.
It makes me feel so angry and upset that I want to bring him back to life and beat the shit out of him. For making me feel this way.
I have had other friends suicide but there was no way to know if they had meant to do it because heroin was involved both times.
Could any XPT members share any thoughts or feelings about this with me please? I do not want sympathy at all. I would like some insight or anything else you feel would be appropriate. Or just anything you want to say.
The only interesting thing I can mention is that he seemed to distance himself from acquaintances in the preceding months and I assume that was his way of lessening the pain for those left behind. Like we would be thinking of him less so his passing would mean less.
He was named William, was age 29 and was one hell of a good bass player.
Thanks.
Again I do not want sympathy, no "sorry to hear that" stuff.
Just serious thoughts on life and suicide and it's consequences. Or anything else you folks have to say on the subject.
"I, too, have sung Death's praise
But I'm not gonna sing that song anymore
Yes, I've found out what living is all about
It's Life! Life!
Life is the only thing worth living for
Yes, Life! Life!
Life is the only thing worth . . .
Life! Life!
(I know it has its ups and downs)"
--Flipper
EDIT: it is noteworthy that when Will was younger he discovered his father dead from a suicide. (Trauma, genetics, who knows.)
EDIT AGAIN: No sympathy and no crying, but anything that would make my feel less angry. Like not want to hammer the walls with my hands would be appreciated.
Edited by conquistador (12/26/09 08:33 PM)
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#467756 - 12/26/09 08:33 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 09/19/05
Posts: 3576
Loc: Baltimore, MD
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The fact that he found his father dead from suicide is noteworthy both from a genetic and trauma standpoint. Were things going not so well in his life?
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#467757 - 12/26/09 08:37 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Human Garbage
Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 1613
Loc: Liqour Hole, Kentucky
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I think that alot of people die because they are tired of the constant daily struggle. Tired of waking up every day in pain and having to work through it. Mental pain, physical pain, it doesn't make a difference. They weigh the pros and cons and the cons win by a landslide. It's where they decided they wanted to be Conq.I don't always agree with it but I respect their decision.
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Being Canadian is not a disease. It just feels like one. TUP
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#467758 - 12/26/09 08:44 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 11/27/07
Posts: 4795
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Things were going total usual as far as I know. He was not a socially outgoing guy. As far as I know he didn't have a recent break up or anything because there was no girlfriend. The entire time I knew him (since around age 12) he behaved the same way he did did till last week.
It should be noted that we no longer live(d) in the same town some some of my info is gathered from other friends.
But as best as I can answer your question things were going no better or worse than normal. (We had phone calls every few months, still considered him a good friend)
I do want this thread to be about my friend please so much as XPT member's thoughts about suicide and death and friends and loss and anger. Or however this kind of thing has affected you.
Let my buddy Will be a catalyst for discussion or sharing please.
I tried to say all I needed to say in the OP to get the ball rolling (and you ring up a fine point about depression, suicide and genetics) and please talk about it more if you like. Just that I don't want to answer a ton of questions about Will.
It may be a better thing to start a discussion by me saying that I feel upset and fucked up and angry about the loss but more specifically the suicide of a buddy.
I want to know what you folks have felt or insights you have gained or anything about similar things in your lives.
(ivor, PM me if this is something you want to talk aout specifically) but everyone else I want to make an opened thread about this. Say what you want to say "thoughts on suicide" is the subject.
Thanks.
Edited by conquistador (12/26/09 08:45 PM)
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#467759 - 12/26/09 08:52 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 11/27/07
Posts: 4795
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No disrespect meant corn dog but this is something I was thinking about
Quote:
It's where they decided they wanted to be Conq.I don't always agree with it but I respect their decision.
^^Right here is where I say fuck him! Fuck him. He had to do this to his family on the holidays? This makes me so angry. It's not thoughtful! He could have "staged" an ice fishing accident or something that wouldn't upset people so much.
The decision was shitty and fucked up. It's this part that is so sad that death happens to the dead, the hallmark of being dead is you don't care. a doctor can suck your brains out a tube through your nose. You won't care. But less than a week before x-mas fuck. Like I said I want to bring him back to life so that I can punch him.
I am being a bit too emotional right now. Will tone it down and just read posts for a while.
Sorry corndog, am not agitated with you or your post.
Carry on please, I will calm myself.
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#467760 - 12/26/09 09:18 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Gag Factor Guru
Porn Jesus
Registered: 07/15/05
Posts: 5290
Loc: Dayton
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I've had my girlfriend drink herself to death because she could never deal with the guilt of something that happened to an infant son, and my best friend ever eventually have a coronary death after attempting several suicides. My friend had lost her adult son a bit before the suicide attempts. I think both of them just wanted out of the pain.
I felt a bit angry, but really that was selfish on my part. I wanted them to stay around because I enjoyed being with them as a lover and a friend. But in both cases, it was a slow progression that the family thought might happen.
These experiences are different from yours, but there they are.
My sister's best friend and roommate came home one Christmas Day to find her boy friend had hanged himself. He had done it for attention before, but fucked up and did too good a job that last time. Put a real damper on Christmas for some folks for several years.
When I look at the dead soldiers, I think of all the things I did in my late 20's, 30's, 40's, and now in my 50's, and it angers me that these young soldiers are cheated out of this. It is also sad Tonya could not find peace above ground, and enjoy a longer life. Maggie was in her 60's, but I really think if she could have stabilized her schizophrenia and had some kind of way to grieve her son, she had more good times ahead.
Pisses me off that my dad felt cheated out of some good years when he got terminal with his cancer, at 72, but much younger people will destroy their precious lives. But we never know what may be going on inside co-workers, friends, etc.
No attempt to help or make a point, just adding to the experiences here.
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#467761 - 12/26/09 09:46 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 04/14/06
Posts: 14755
Loc: Busy downloading [LEGALLY!]
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It's an easy equation.
The pain of Life outweighs the ability to endure it.
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Amo i Gemelli!! 
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#467762 - 12/26/09 10:38 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 4470
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Quote:
It makes me feel so angry and upset that I want to bring him back to life and beat the shit out of him. For making me feel this way.
Sorry you had to go through this, Conq, especially during the holidays, but at least you have this feeling(s). You got my sympathies anyway, so you're out of luck there.
As someone who in years far gone by that's dealt with depression to the point that I've wanted to off myself, I often wondered what impact it would have on the people who truly gave two shits about me. Some people call the act selfish & weak, but sometimes those who really care (or those whom you wished gave a fuck) don't show it until it's too late.
As evidenced here on XPT despite how some may joke about it like teenagers, people are fucking cruel. While some may care after the fact, few might show it or know how to show it...but far fewer who don't care at all.
I've been fortunate enough to have people whom I know & trust when times got tough, and at the very least the impact I'd leave on their lives upon my departure. So much to the point that I would have nightmares of seeing how some people react to the situation at a wake or similar event - from the bully in high school who might have remorse for fucking with you, the girl who broke your heart (yes you douches, long before Rachel, sorry to burst your bubble), or the lifelong friend who took sides & forsaken you in favor of another friend's company - these people may even miss the departed. All in the same sleep, these people who you know & cared about you crying over THEIR loss, to the chick at the local grocery store who had a crush on you. You betcha, that took some therapy to get resolved & I'm not ashamed to admit that.
That same chain of events is what probably makes me such an emotionally charged person & bitter prick today, and by no means would I consider myself "healed". As someone above said, life is just too overwhelming at times, but I have a slightly different outlook on conditions where I'd commit suicide, because my goals in life outweigh such an irreversible act.
Quote:
I felt a bit angry, but really that was selfish on my part. I wanted them to stay around because I enjoyed being with them as a lover and a friend. But in both cases, it was a slow progression that the family thought might happen.
Not trying to lay a guilt trip on you, because I don't know the circumstances. But were you aware of the situation, and if so, were you available for them? Were you there for those people when they "may" have needed you most?
I find people these days are selfish & uncaring in their acts toward others, part of which the emo-trip that I went through earlier this year. They don't give two shits about the situation until after the damage is done. Sure, suicide wasn't an option personally, but I wanted answers. I felt the situation wasn't handled properly on her part, so I handled it in my own way, with complete disregard to what other's thought. The easy answer was that suicide was a chicken shit out of a problem that had alternative solutions, even if mine were somewhat heinous.
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Because you already yelled 'dropping prices!!!' after Red Light canned you. - Gia Jordan to Brandon Iron
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#467764 - 12/27/09 02:56 AM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Gay For Pay
Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 988
Loc: Sun Diego
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I took a class back in college by the "expert" on suicide, a guy name David Phillips. He was a really cool South African professor who would ask "Is everyone tracking? Who is NOT tracking?" every couple of minutes during class...I once counted he said it 43 times in an 80 minute class.  He came up with something called the "Werther Effect" which analyzed copycat suicides and how the occur. I guess it was groundbreaking 35 years ago and brought him quite a bit of interest. The San Diego Reader did a cover story on him a few years ago; its a pretty interesting read: "Why Do They Die?" I remember when he asked the question mentioned there if anyone in the class knew anyone who had attempted suicide; I was one of the few who raised my hands. A cousin ate a whole bottle of pills while on a trip visiting family a year or so previously...I always thought it was more a cry for attention and psychological distress from her fucked up family than anything. I still remember wondering why more people didn't raise their hands during that question... Two months after I took the class (Fall 2004) my uncle killed himself. Shot gun in his mouth in his bedroom. I wasn't told until about a week later my dad was so distraught; he'd known him since childhood and realized after the fact there were indicators he didn't pick up on...he asked him to take his cat a few weeks before it happened. He still to this day tells me he should have known something was up. More and more details came out afterwards; he was bombed out of his mind on antidepressants (I think Zoloft?) and was soon to be under indictment for trafficking from the DEA. He was so bombed out of his mind he didn't notice two undercover agents trailing his car for twenty miles a few weeks before. I felt like shit about it at first (he was the one who contributed so much to my sick sense of humor...whenever he'd go down to Mexico he'd always come back with fireworks and all sorts of adult gag gifts when I was ten), but as more details came out and realized part of his choice to end his life was not to be put into a spot where he'd have to rat on people or testify, I felt it did shed light on his decision. Maybe not justify it, but some people just get to that spot in life. There's nothing you can do about it. (Probably why I'm so against the "War on Drugs" too...its been a personal casualty in my life that hit close to home). I can say taking a class with Phillips made it a bit easier to stomach...the whole idea of altruistic suicide and all. Just gotta power through the grief and bullshit, or get some good weed to calm the pain. Its the only antidepressant that doesn't have those suicidal side effects. 
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"I choppy choppy yo pee pee"
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#467765 - 12/27/09 02:56 AM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Gay For Pay
Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 954
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Ever stop to think that those around you kill themselves as a result of the pain and misery your mere presence brings into their lives?
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Why do you black guys like to ruin white girls? I guess for the same reason you like to ruin white neighborhoods. -NitneLiun
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#467766 - 12/27/09 06:02 AM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 10321
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Here's an odd Queen song dealing with suicide. For the most part I think suicide is a selfish act undertaken to make someone sorry for ones misery. I guess there are cases where a person is beaten down and sees no other path but those are the exception.
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#467772 - 12/27/09 05:16 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 11/27/07
Posts: 4795
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Darra you forget something important. Death happens to the living. The dead do not care but the effect of their deaths can be felt by many.
Why can't I feel angry? What he did made the people who knew him feel the whole range of emotions. He feels nothing, great he is at peace but he threw many people into having very conflicted feelings.
Just trying to say that people who die leave behind a lot of confused people who are not dead and just saying "oh he is at peace now" doesn't do a damn thing to explain what really happened to the people who are still alive.
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#467773 - 12/27/09 05:21 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Human Garbage
Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 1541
Loc: Mississippi
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It sounds like you are trying to claim that he had some sort of responsibility for how you deal with things.
_________________________
--Some of us look for The Way in opium and some in God, some of us in whiskey and some in love. It is all the same Way and it leads nowhither.
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#467774 - 12/27/09 05:51 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Sex Slave Trader
Registered: 06/06/09
Posts: 1321
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Quote:
You forget something important. Death happens to the living. The dead do not care but the effect of their deaths can be felt by many.
Why can't I feel angry? What he did made the people who knew him feel the whole range of emotions. He feels nothing, great he is at peace but he threw many people into having very conflicted feelings.
Just trying to say that people who die leave behind a lot of confused people who are not dead and just saying "oh he is at peace now" doesn't do a damn thing to explain what really happened to the people who are still alive.
Oh of course. He's at peace now while his family and friends are in hell. They'll blame themselves and wonder what could they have done differently to help him and prevent this. But the mentally ill really don't think about responsibility and what will be left behind if they kill themselves.
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#467775 - 12/27/09 06:49 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Human Garbage
Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 1541
Loc: Mississippi
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Personally, I think you take a step closer to compassion and acceptance when you lay blame where it rightly belongs (when it belongs at your own doorstep); and only avoid both when you blame others for how you feel.
Sure it may be trite, but nobody makes you feel anything.
_________________________
--Some of us look for The Way in opium and some in God, some of us in whiskey and some in love. It is all the same Way and it leads nowhither.
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#467776 - 12/27/09 09:09 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 09/19/05
Posts: 3576
Loc: Baltimore, MD
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I don't judge people who commit suicide. I was fairly close to a person who committed suicide, and I would lay the blame at five or six persons who hassled this person withou any regard to her state of mond for several months prior to her suicide.
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#467777 - 12/27/09 09:48 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 4470
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Quote:
But the mentally ill really don't think about responsibility and what will be left behind if they kill themselves.
Hey, Freudiarrhea, you're an idiot if you think it happens only to "mentally ill" people. That's about a valid as the excuse that people who deserve the death penalty are "mentally ill" and should be helped as such.
_________________________
Because you already yelled 'dropping prices!!!' after Red Light canned you. - Gia Jordan to Brandon Iron
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#467781 - 12/28/09 02:15 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 8433
Loc: Great Pacific Northwest
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Quote:
It's an easy equation.
The pain of Life outweighs the ability to endure it.
In a nutshell, you're right. I think about offing myself a lot. It's like I've said when I've opened up about it, I know what the barrel of my shotgun tastes like. To me, the fact that I haven't done it is more proof that I'm a failure, or that I'm so much of a coward that I can't even end the pain.
I doubt in your frien's case things were "not going well". For the most part, adults don't off themselves because of a setback or 2 in life. In most cases, it's a long time coming, but like you said, it comes as a big surprise to everyone. I know that for me when I tell people I have clinical depression, it comes as a surprise because I'm always laughing and joking. That's the mask I put on. Which just adds to the sense of failure. It's like a perpetual motion machine that I know is fucked up thinking, but at the same time I'm unable to stop.
Mourn your friend, but don't try to understand why he did what he did. He didn't isolate to make it easier on those that survive him. He did it to make it easier on him. He hated himself, which sounds easy enough to fix. But it's not. No matter how many peopler tell me they like me, that I'm a good person, that I'm a good dad, whatever, I still loathe myself. I know it's fucked up to think that way, but at this point I don't have a choice. Which just makes me hate myself more.
It's a shitty deal and I am sorry for your loss and confusion. But the fact is, he wasn't the person you thought you knew.
Barry
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Having killed someone doesn't make you a killer- @KINGROCHE
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#467782 - 12/28/09 03:03 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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@
Porn Jesus
Registered: 10/19/06
Posts: 9958
Loc: fortified
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FUCK!!!!
Now we have a west coast Fatty?... Thanks for ruining the Holidays.
Posters that I don't want to drive themselves to die..
- Fatty(doubt I could do it)
- Charin
- Broccoli(only cause he's more fun alive than dead)
- Wasshisface.. the stinky ugly fuck from the west..?
- Tia Ling... when she actually sees her own asshole in the mirror.(How do you have an asshole like that and not pick yourself to death?.)
Anyone else here that has issues just keep em to yourself for awhile cause I'm pretty sure these people are in danger(not Fatty) and I still have 6 more days of Vaca.
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i just lock, load, and regret. - jamesn
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#467783 - 12/28/09 03:11 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 10/19/06
Posts: 9958
Loc: fortified
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#467784 - 12/28/09 04:04 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 09/19/05
Posts: 3576
Loc: Baltimore, MD
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#467785 - 12/28/09 04:31 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 09/07/05
Posts: 14160
Loc: NYC
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#467789 - 12/29/09 03:20 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Sex Slave Trader
Registered: 06/06/09
Posts: 1321
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Quote:
You stupid bitch. So this totally explains why you defend pedo's. He was sick and therefore you can't be mad at what daddy did to you there amongst your teddy bears, right?
Way to enable you twisted cunt.
Yes of course. I've always talked very highly of Michael Jackson, Roman Polanski, and Woody Allen. 
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#467790 - 12/29/09 03:21 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Sex Slave Trader
Registered: 06/06/09
Posts: 1321
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Quote:
More than likely, you weren't much of a friend and that is why he distanced himself from you.
People who are about to kill themselves usually distance themselves away from everyone and start giving away their belongings.
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#467792 - 12/30/09 06:46 AM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Internet Tough Guy
Registered: 05/18/09
Posts: 890
Loc: Midwest / Florida
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It's hard to think with this gun in my hand
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I want to Bust a nut in that bitches right eye
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#467793 - 01/02/10 09:20 AM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Bukkake Boy
Registered: 06/13/06
Posts: 611
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There's a documentary, The Bridge, that was made a few years ago on the topic of suicide. The director pretended to be taking monumental photographs of the Golden Gate Bridge when in fact he and his crew were filming with the express purpose of capturing suicides. He then went back to interview friends and family of the people he filmed. It was a very controversial film. Many people felt it was exploitative; I personally did not. You can see the first 3 minutes of it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PnqVocIZLYI've contemplated it. I think most people have at some point in their lives. I wouldn't want to leave people around me with that kind of pain. I would choose to commit suicide if I were terminally ill or became severly disabled or disfigured. The thing is, as you see in The Bridge, there are some people that don't find relief in therapy or pharmaceuticals. They don't want to live anymore. For them, suicide *is* the answer. Then there are others that did something rash in a moment of emotional distress. Did they mean to kill themselves? Probably not, and if they could have stopped for a moment, taken themselves out of the tunnel vision they were in, and thought of how it would impact the people they love, they would not have done it.
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#467794 - 01/02/10 12:23 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Jesus
Registered: 11/27/07
Posts: 4795
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I have "The Bridge" but kind of forgot about it. Thanks.
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#467797 - 01/02/10 03:47 PM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Bukkake Boy
Registered: 06/13/06
Posts: 611
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Quote:
If I were going to do it, I think I would give everything to charity, run up my credit cards, and jump in a volcano. It would be a mystery, wouldn't it? If it was after I retired, no one would notice I was gone for quite some time.
That's been my retirement plan for 2 years. There's no way I'll ever save enough for retirement, so I'm going to spend my money and end it all Logan's Run-style.
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#467798 - 01/03/10 05:17 AM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Max Hardcore Prison Bitch
Registered: 04/26/09
Posts: 366
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Quote:
Quote:
Never going to happen....
THAT'S RIGHT, CYPHER!!!! Audi drivers unite!!!!! 
Get the extended warranty. I can't tell you how many Audi owners I know have had to do an engine replacement on their 2.0T. I, personally, had an A6 that starting spewing oil and trans fluid everywhere at 50k miles. They don't hold up.
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#467800 - 01/12/10 05:43 AM
Re: Thoughts on suicide please
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Porn Fucking Master
Registered: 11/04/05
Posts: 3509
Loc: Pit of Despair
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Quote:
I had a thought about this this morning.
Because of my depression, sometimes I let people down. I don't perform up to my usual high standards. I disappoint myself, and assume I disappoint others. I start to think they would be better off without me.
I am far from suicide. I have the self-honesty to break through this and see the reality that folks close to me would not be better off without me, and I know they do not want to see me go away abruptly. But, I can understand how these delusions could take hold of someone.
So, maybe CQ's friend, Tonya, and Maggie thought they were doing others a favor by leaving this mortal coil, and did not think we would be harmed. Maybe, they really thought we would be better off if they were dead. Maybe the act is not as selfish as I thought.
Everyone would be better off without you. Have a few shots of whiskey and think about that.
_________________________
Fap, Fap, Fap
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