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Matt Damon fan huh?.




>>>The other day me and Matt Damon went to the beach to throw around the football. Now one thing you should know about Matt Damon, is unless he's drinking he's very shy. We hadn't had anything to drink that day, so Matt Damon, he leaves his shirt on. This gorgeous girl comes up to him and says, "Hey handsome, wouldn't you enjoy the sun more if you took your shirt off ?" Well Matt Damon, he just doesn't realize that that sort of thing doesn't happen every day, so he just mumbles something about protection from damaging UV radiation and solar flares and says he's not the kind of guy who surfs on the hot rays of the sun like the aliens in that one episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and did she think that was a good episode ? Well I guess she hadn't seen it because she looked at him blankly and then walked away. Personally I thought it was a kind of stupid episode but Matt Damon doesn't need any alcohol to get rid of his shyness over punching me really hard, multiple times in the face and body and testicles.

So we're tossing the ol' pigskin around, you know, some straight up bro stuff. Nothing gay. And Matt gets this bright idea.

"Hey Ultimate, you like women right ?"

"Sure Matt Damon, I like women fine."

"I mean, you're always spending all your time rolling around with dudes, but, I mean, you're not that way, are you ?" Matt Damon held out his left arm and let his hand fall. "You know, like that ?" He used his other hand to point at his sagging hand. "You know. Homosexual ? You know how gays are always running around with their hands dangling" he waved his limp left hand, "like this ?"

"Honestly I haven't really seen that too often."

"No you know what I mean though. And they talk with a lithp and are always mincing ?"

"Well that's certainly the stereotype, but.."

"Well I don't have any time for that kind of bullshit '89." Matt Damon said. "So if you're that way, you know," shaking his left hand again, "that way, a Goddamned queer, well you just get out of here because I'm not playing football with any faggot."

"Geez Matt Damon, that seems like a kind of backward attitude," I said, but mostly under my breath because I didn't want Matt Damon to punch me in the testicles a bunch of times, as he has done in the past and surely wouldn't hesitate to do again. I have no problem with gays but I have even less problem with unpunched testicles.

"Huh ? You say something ?" Matt Damon asked, and pointed at his left hand, which had transformed from a gay stereotype to a very believable fist. "Didn't think so." he answered.

Anyways, so Matt Damon, he gets this bright idea.

"Go long Ultimo."

So I go for a run, my eye on the football the whole time, because if Matt Damon throws a deep ball and you drop it, well, I probably don't have to tell you what a testicle punching I'd be in for. It was almost out of reach, but I dove for it... and landed right in the middle of a group of girls having a picnic !

"Oh my, I'm sorry." I said, standing up, feeling embarrassed. If I'd only known how much more embarrassed I was about to feel, well maybe I wouldn't have gone to the beach that day.

So Matt Damon runs over and goes "Hey is this clown bugging you ? Did he ruin your picnic ?" and proceeds to give me the testicle punching of a lifetime. Let me tell you right now, I've had some testicle punchings in my day, some real doozies. But this was like someone put a nuclear warhead in Matt Damon's fist and told him my balls had been looking at his girl. Which they most certainly had not.

Long story short, Matt Damon, he impressed those girls so much with his groinpugilism that they invited him to stay for the picnic and he hasn't been shy around women since ! Naturally I'm of two minds about it-- on the one hand, I'm really happy my bro Matt Damon, he doesn't need to drink to feel confident around women. But then on the other hand, I wish he'd stop punching me in the balls every time he sees a hot woman. I don't think that's unreasonable, but try telling Matt Damon that. I probably don't have to tell you what a testicle punching you'd be in for if you tried<<<
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