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I put on a pair of jean shorts the other day, and I had to suck it in to button the motherfucker. I don’t wanna hear it, woman!

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That happened to me last night. Then from the back, the jeans looked like tights. Not good.

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Oh.. how cute. You two should share dieting tips and go to the mall, while I think up new euphemisms for "overweight stalker douchebag".