Millions of tax dollars are being spent informing the public about protocols, procedures, risks, etc. This is all necessary in order to remind you how to wash your hands properly. Like many of you, I was putting soap on AFTER drying my hands. This is not the correct procedure according to health care professionals, some of whom spent years in medical school learning this.

Now, it would be cynical to say that their is some sort of Big Pharma/Government conspiracy at play in order to keep your attention diverted from the economy, job losses, bailouts, and other acts of fiscal flip-floppery that leave you guessing where your pension money went Three Card Monty style. I’m simply not going to go there.

Instead, I wanted to join the ranks of over-informing the public about this terrible crisis. Some of you failed to read the full-page newspaper ads. Others did not listen to the radio spots or see the barrage of TV coverage so let me boil it down for you. Only high-risk groups will now be receiving their H1N1 shot. This includes children up to 5 years and pregnant women. The general public must wait despite a media-fuelled frenzy that convinces you we are all going to die before getting to see the Hollywood version of all of us dying in the movie 2012.

I do not take kindly to queue jumpers, Calgary Flames team members excluded. Today, for example, there was a line up of women outside my door begging me to impregnate them. Like other health care providers and first responders, I did my best to accomodate everyone. I’m man enough to admit that my cock would no longer function after the 18th woman. As it was only 10:45am, I decided to send one hairy-legged woman to the store to buy lube and invited the rest to an orgy whereby the most eager beaver would be permitted to receive a cumswapped, felched load. The competition was maddening and I didn’t have time to answer the door when the razor-challenged beast returned. Some say it was cruel to make her wait outside for hours in the cold. I say, keep those gams silky smooth next time or you’ll be as frozen as your wooly mammoth ancestors. And learn to parle some Francais so you understand what I mean by “douche,” s’il vous plait.

Starting tomorrow, the strategy will switch to supermodels born after 1980, Hooters waitresses (must be in uniform but without those terribly tan-coloured nylons), and Miss Hawaiian Tropic contestants (must have placed in the top 10). Only by implementing these measures can I assure the public of a fair and orderly system of impregnatiation…..er, you know what I mean.