I'm reposting this thread idea from another board. This was their best story so far

My roommate ill-advisedly told some tramp who liked to call herself "Nothing" that she could park her broken down car outside our house for "a couple days" which of course inevitably turned into a couple months. That night, she came over to the house and got loaded with us. I was chosen to drive her other, newer (working) car to the store to get more beer since I was the least drunk one. I was wearing nothing but boxers, shoes and a furry white and pink striped bathrobe. When we got to the store, I put the car in reverse to park and not knowing one of the doors was open, bent it all the way backward against a wall so it wouldn't shut. "Nothing" started screaming obscenities at me in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot demanding I give her several hundred dollars for the broken door. I lied and told her I didn't have any money. She cursed some more, tried to throw a beer bottle at me, got in her car and sped off pissed, leaving me and the roommate to stagger back home. By the time we got back, she was waiting for us. She said "I'll take twenty then." Told her again I didn't have any money. She came back in the house and got more loaded with us. I secretly peed in my roommate's girlfriend's rum and coke while she was in the bathroom, then went outside and broke some shit for drunken fun, and passed out in the dirt, bleeding and covered with ants. Right around when the sun was coming up, my roommate and his girlfriend were kicking a completely naked Nothing out of our front door after a threeway-gone-wrong, with her screaming so the whole neighborhood could hear about how she knew a hitman named Spider who would kill us all and burn our fucking house down. She leaves and I immediately walk down the street where I know there is a dead cat, stiff with rigor mortis lying next to someone's front yard. I pick it up, bring it to her broken car and chuck it inside. I then drink two whole bottles of robitussin and puke everywhere. Two months later I call the city and tell them to come tow the car away. I never saw Nothing again.

I'm hoping you fine folks can top this awesomeness.