One day there will be a monument to my stupidity...
Three days before Christmas my boss invites me to dinner. We decide on a nearby "wings and wings only joint". While choosing from the menu I notice a selection called The INSANITY wing. The menu claims it is insanely hot. I enjoy spicy food. I order it. The cute teenage waitress looked at me gravely and said "No really, you don't want that" I misread the warning in her eyes as some other teen-girl drama, and in one of the top five stupidest moves of my life, decided that no chicken wing on God's green earth could get the better of me. This caused a buzz around the restaurant and caused the cook to wish me, "good luck". A less stupid individual than myself, would have had concerns. I saw a challenge that needed to be met. They asked me to sign a waiver that specifically addressed liability, age requirements, sound mind and tissue damage. Even most seasoned fools would have at least pumped their brakes. I shifted into 3rd gear and stepped on the gas.They brought it out. I have never seen anything quite that color before in my life. It looked like a red hot charcoal. My boss said,"You aren't going to eat that right?" Random cute teen-aged waitresses kept passing by checking on my meal progress and people at neighboring tables were looking... When I felt as if the room had the proper dramatic tension, I quickly grasped the wing, eye-balled it all crazy-like, and put it in my mouth...
I have a long history of doing stupid things. I once flew a bicycle almost three stories through the air(unintentionally). I once skateboarded off the roof of a home into it's newly drained swimming pool(intentionally)I have had drinks mixed in my mouth in Tijuana.I have informed the police that I know my rights.I started the biggest bar fight I have ever seen(larger, with more combatants and property damage than any Hollywood production)Each of these incidents has a common thread. They each began with my mantra/cry for help:"Yo, watch this" I have been in the emergency room as many times as three or four normal people. I have also been released from custody more than most. I married the worst spouse possible and after that epic fail I appeared in more than 300 porn scenes.How many times have you had to be stitched up in your lifetime?How many times can one person have shards of glass removed from some part of their anatomy?(five maybe six apparently)Every time I have ever set foot in a zoo it was 50-50 that I could wind up in an cage attempting to pet something. The difference between those escapades and this fucking "wing debacle", is that during all that other shit? No one was trying to stop me.As a matter of fact people encouraged those other behaviors. This time people tried to stop me.. :-(


Two waitresses saw a flurry of activity at my table and stopped... The flavor of the "wing" was not like chicken in any way. If you have ever fired a hand gun or launched model rockets those pursuits have a byproduct. The scent of gunpowder. The "wing" tasted like gun powder and burnt matches. The searing heat of the peppers? was so intense that my mouth did not burn in the beginning. It went into some sort of shock,for lack of a better word....
My eyes welled up with tears and the burning in my nose made my breathing all ragged.
My vision was obscured and a sweat went over my fore head...
One of the things that has perpetuated this behavior is the fact that some of these episodes have not been failures. I was clocked at 136mph by the Pennsylvania State Police and not cited. I had a mugger put a gun to my stomach and pull the trigger only to have the gun click. I once drank so much that there was no more room in my stomach, I got laid that night. It is not always obvious to me when I have fucked up. I didn't know the skateboard thing had gone bad until afterward when I could see an x-ray of the inner-working of my wrist, without the x-ray machine.The Tijuana episode was great then suddenly I found myself on the dirt floor of a mexican prison... This was different.. I knew I fucked up right away...
When my vision cleared enough, I noticed that my boss looked alarmed... and when I regained some of my composure I realized to my horror, that I could feel THE EXACT SPOT WHERE THAT BASTARD SPAWN OF HELL WAS RESTING IN MY STOMACH.
If you have never eaten anything that made a point of making it's location in your digestive tract known, then the only way I can describe it is much like a scene from that 80's horror flick Alien. Only difference? I WISH IT WOULD BURST THROUGH MY ABDOMINAL WALL! I slept fitfully that night. I woke up around 4am thinking that it was quite warm in my home, only to realize that the heat I felt was coming from inside me :-(
I also realized at that point that when it reappeared I would need to be alone....
I don't feel a need to share the end of this episode. It was as bad as you think maybe worse.
There was actually smoke involved and more tears than I am comfortable writing about..
Maybe this will be a turning point for me... I hope so..