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And don't worry, the second my "micro-penis" gets to work again, porn will be fun again as my shit will for surely be featured on every major television network.



What? It's tiny and it doesn't work? You just can't catch a break, Hedwig.

Not to brag or anything, especially since the haters are out on the professional work issue, but I've got a massive tool. Not porno massive, or anything like that, just regular-guy massive. And it works, at least until the first gram has been insufflated. Now that I'm ensconced in alien lands where I can't lay hands on coke, the Admiral's staff is standing proud. Look out, Shanghai!